Hello everyone. So, when I said "I'll be back soon," I apparently meant "I'll be gone for 43 days and people will assume I have given up the blog completely."
But, I did not! I am back. And I feel like Sisyphus, back at the bottom of the mountain, getting ready to try and push the boulder back up to the summit.
While I was getting over the flu, I was feeling really great about myself--I was dropping weight left and right, and in my head, I somehow thought that my "flu diet" of consuming about 600 calories a day was sustainable, and I would reach my ideal weight by about spring break. Well, obviously that was not true, and as soon as I was physically healthy, I got really stressed out about being behind in other areas of life and began to stress eat, and every single pound that dropped off came right back.
In addition, style and clothing are a big passion in my life and a way that I present myself, but lately I feel like clothing is a shroud, not armor. I used to receive compliments like "You look great in that outfit," but now I get compliments about specific items, never on how they relate to how I look in them. That may be completely coincidental, but to me it feels like I am not dressing in a way that flatters or enhances. Maybe the clothes are nice, but not on me.
Since my post about yoga dance, I really have felt like the rage, and anger and hatred stuck inside me is gone away, but I still have a lot of demons who love to whisper in my ear "you would be pretty if you were thin," "you would be happier if you felt pretty," "you'd be a better person if you looked better." I know that these insidious thoughts are not useful, not helpful, and not true, but I still give them way too much attention. And some of them are based in fact. I really
do need to lose weight--I am not at a healthy weight and my weight makes me more lethargic, less prone to exercise, etc. I think I
am pretty already; I have great skin, cool colored eyes, a big, bright smile and awesome, thick hair. However I feel like my features are being obscured by weight, and I miss having them be what people see first, rather than a round face and a rounder midsection.
I will never equate "thin" with "healthy" as some people do, but I know that if I were to change my diet, I would lose some of the weight, making me both "thinner" and "healthier." I have given up sweets and desserts for Lent (not that I am particularly religious, but 40 days seemed like a good amount of time to cut a raging sugar addiction), and am still caffeine free, but I just eat too much, too often. I snack 24/7, finish the food from my kids' plates, rely way too much on fast food to get me through my day, and eat at my desk rather than taking a mindful lunch break. I have never liked exercise (other than dancing) and have always marketed myself as "the happy couch potato." That was fine 50 pounds ago, but I can't expect to change without figuring out some exercise that works for me. I don't even want to think about a surgical procedure until I have given 110 percent of my own effort to making a change. I use my lack of athleticism as an excuse and food as a coping tool, a way to deal with stress, pressure and feelings of inadequacy. Food, eating, immobility and my relationship with them will be the longest and hardest battle to fight.
Whew, writing this is really hard. It is very humbling to admit your weaknesses and flaws to the world. I pride myself on being perfect, invincible, superwoman. But, there is something refreshing about being honest and saying that I really don't have it all together, not even close. If you never admit your shortcomings, you never give yourself permission to improve, to actually work towards being the best you possible. That is where I am now. Ready to commit again to improving how I feel on the inside so I can improve how I look on the out.
Here are some of the things I am committing to in order to restart on this process.
- A thorough wardrobe purge. I went through and got rid of anything that doesn't make me feel fabulous, beautiful and confident when I wear it. I have two gigantic bags of clothes to get rid of, and it made me feel great.
- Drinking 72 ounces of water a day. Someone I know uses masking tape and makes a cool pictograph (a flower, a pyramid) and colors in one section of the picture for each 8 oz glass they drink. A really great idea that I am going to copy.
- Cut down on fast food consumption to 2 meals per week. That probably sounds horribly high for some people, but my habit is much worse. I figure I will start by cutting down and work toward elimination.
- Spend 2 hours per week in some kind of physical activity. Walking during work, dancing at my house, anything other than spending hours mindlessly staring at the TV, which is what I do way too often.
- Use my Seasonal Affective Disorder therapy light EVERY DAY, sunshine or no. I think that keeping my vitamin D levels and serotonin levels high will help keep an "I CAN do it" attitude.
I can and will do more, but these four alone is a really good start. I will keep you abreast of the progress, as well as how I feel about my progress as we move forward.
Lastly, I think in the interest of full-disclosure, I am going to let everyone know where we are starting from. I am 33 years old, 5'11", and weigh 220 pounds. That puts my BMI at 30.7, in the obese category, where I no longer want to be. This is the first day of the rest of my life. I never have to be this way again, and I do not want to be either.
Thanks for your continued support, in all the ways you are supportive of me, and I am excited to share with you how this journey progresses.
“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,Nothing is going to get better. It's not.” ― Dr. Seuss, The Lorax
Love,
Nina
