Hi friends, sorry for being completely and totally MIA.  What I thought was the flu last week was actually just a horrible, HORRIBLE detox from caffeine.  THIS is the flu, and it sucks, and I have it in spades.  Right now I am not pursuing prettiness, just pursuing health.  I'll be back soon though!

Letting go can change your life.

On Sunday I had an experience that seems to have the potential to be life changing.  What was this experience?  I attended a dance class.  More specifically, a Yoga Dance class taught by two very dear friends of mine.  The class is not about specific movements, but instead guides you through feelings.  For people who know me well, they know that I shy away from anything I deem too "tree hugger, raw kale, birkenstock crunchy" (though I don't really know why.  I guess I am very black and white, and anything that seems "unlike" me, I often judge as "bad."  Wow, that is a whole different blog post though).  Anyway, I think I was really open for this particular experience at the time that it happened, because it brought up emotions that I didn't even know I had.  Right from the very beginning meditation, when our instructor said "release the past year," I dropped a few tears.  Later on, in one of our dances, we symbolically built a fire, and in it threw all the things we wanted to let go of.  Then we became the flames and danced higher and higher and let all of the horrible things burn away--fear, sadness, self loathing, pain, and for me--anger.
This entire year can be summed up for me in a single emotion--rage.  This is an emotion I am not used to feeling.  I am usually very happy and upbeat, to the edge of being manic, and I have the capability for great depths of feeling, but in my life I have rarely felt anger, until this past year.  I have been angry at everything--myself, my job, my children, my parents, my pets, my spouse, my coworkers, my friends, traffic, gas pumps,store dressing rooms, our Tupperware cabinet, and Netflix, but to name a few.  : )   I feel like I have spent the past 365 days as a kettle of boiling oil, trying desperately hard to keep my lid on, but occasionally (more often then I'd like), boiling over and sending scalding hot grease onto unsuspecting bystanders.  This anger has had no particular target; it seems that everyone is fair game.  I feel constantly short-tempered with people, usually holding back from snapping at everyone who talks to me.  I have no patience for my spouse or children, though they have been very gracious and have had much more patience with me.  I feel like a good title for this year would be "Seconds Away from Screaming: The Nina Jonson Story."
So basically, this unchecked, seething fiery anger has hurt me. It has made me say and do things that could have potentially hurt my professional goals and aspirations, it has caused me to pack on 40 pounds of fury and disgust, it has robbed me of my ability to sleep, and it has made me think that anger is going to forevermore be my modus operandi; my only way of life.  Getting to symbolically pick up this weight and toss it into a fire to be burned out of existence had a really powerful effect on me, and I sobbed my way through the dance.  At the end, I felt wrung dry and lethargic, as if I had gone through battle, yet I also felt lightweight and victorious, like I had begun to cast off a poison chain, and could now stand and breathe more freely.
I feel that getting rid of this useless fury will be nothing but beneficial in the coming year.  I hope that as I continue to hack away at anger's insidious tendrils, I will become more beautiful on the inside, which will hopefully radiate out to others.
During our class, we did a visualization exercise about the goddess Kali, and the 5 aspects of her personality:
Kali represents...
Beauty - passionate protector of life
The Dancer - bestower of creation and restorer of equanimity
Wisdom - dispassion that cuts through ignorance
Shakti - primordial energy of creation
Rebirth - cosmic memory of all that exists

I really felt a connection to Kali during our class.  I feel that these are aspects I want to nuture in my own life in the coming year.  I want this to be a blog about personal growth in my appearance, but I feel that the work that is being done in my mind and heart are going to be equally interesting and beneficial!

My intention now is to face anger head on and lessen its grip on me, and to allow more light and happiness to enter my life, via whatever avenues it takes!  I left Yoga Dance feeling like a new person, like I had left an ugly, ugly part of me in the room and that I no longer had any use for it.  Truly, I felt like my life was changed in 2 hours.  Here's to living with intention, and spreading joy!

(Lovely image of Kali via Wikipedia)

What has been the most life-changing, or life redirecting thing that has ever happened in your life?  When the opportunity to travel this different path presented itself, did you take it?  I'd love to hear from you!

Feeling brave!

Well, this is kind of a version of one of the things on my 33 things list, but it is even scarier.  I have not braved the 24 hours out in public make-up free yet, but I am willing to do so.  I thought that posting a totally make-up free picture of me on the blog would be good for me too.  I really love wearing make-up, as I think it enhances, brightens, and refines, and I enjoy the creative aspects of putting it on.  Make-up is fun and though I have joked before that I will probably die at 102 years old with a mascara wand clutched in my wizened hand, but it is probably not too far off.  I love make-up, I love how I look and feel when I wear it, and I will not stop any time soon. However, that does not mean that I want to use it as a mask or a shield.  I have many friends who go out every day without a stitch of makeup, and they are radiantly beautiful, and I also have some fellow glamazon friends, who are also beautiful in every way.  Makeup does not make or break beauty, it is just a personal preference.  So, here I am, zits; dark circles, tired eyes and all!  Later I am going out with some girlfriends to spend the evening dancing our faces off and it will be fun to spackle on the sparkle then, but for the time being we are spending the day reading books and cleaning all the germs out of "flu mansion" so no need to be glam right now.
As Audrey Hepburn said, "I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls."  Happiness is like make-up that is always on your face!
Have a happy and pretty (and brave!) day everyone!

33 things in 33 days

I thought I would share my list of 33 things in 33 days with you, and I will come back and edit the post to reflect what I have accomplished so far...
1. 48 hours tech-free
2. Read a book in 24 hours
3. Grow something
4. Intentional, mindful relaxation
5. Finish murals
6. 48 hours without carbs
7. 48 hours without sugar
8. 24 hours without being crabby
9. Give away 33 things
10. Take a walk at night.
11. Pull an all-nighter (but not because I'm up with the littles)
12. Upload 2 videos of me singing to youtube
13. Start my blog
14. Go sledding or skating!
15. No caffeine for 2 days
16. Parallel park somewhere
17. Pay for a strangers lunch or coffee
18. Compliment three strangers
19. Say hello and smile to everyone I see for an entire day
20. Write personal notes to 4 facebook friends that I wish I were closer to
21. Learn to do a cat eye winged liner.
22. Paint art for our home
23. Start my embroidered Christmas tree skirt for Christmas 2013
24. Sing karaoke
25. Organize my closet
26. Sign up for dance classes
27. Wear no makeup for 24 hours (and go out in public!)
28. Lose 5 pounds More like 8 pounds so far!!!!!!!
29. Wear 3 "closet clingers" (things from my closet that hang unworn)
30. Touch my toes while standing up (I can only do it sitting on the ground).
31. Bake something and give it away
32. Sew a skirt
33. Vegetarian for 48 hours.

Nowhere to go but up

It begins...

So here we are, January 1st, 2013, and I am starting a blog.  A blog about being pretty from the inside out, which seems a bit ironic since I am starting this blog at a time when I have never felt less pretty.  I currently feel ugly, old, tired, fat, sad and adrift.  I hate looking in mirrors, no amount of make-up can cover up my dark circles and tired, sallow skin, and if I could carve away at my stomach and remove 60 pounds right now I would do it, regardless of the pain and suffering it might cause.  Thinking about my clothes, all of which look horrible when I put them on, makes me cry.  A few recent purchases are unflattering and designed only to conceal, not highlight.  I want to be invisible.

And yet...

I know I am harder on myself than anyone else on the planet.  I constantly see only the bad, the "should have done better," the "not good enough, never good enough."  But other people don't see that.  They see my boundless, endless love for my daughters, two creatures so radiant, so perfect, so amazing that I feel laid bare and unworthy of their love and adoration.  They see my incredible partnership with my husband, a man who still looks at me and sees the beautiful young woman he fell in love with 11 years ago, the gorgeous bride on her wedding day, the radiant mother of his children.  Friends see me as energetic, spunky, full of life and love.  Coworkers see me as passionate, dedicated, charismatic and talented.  If people can see me this way, they must not be wrong, so I need to start looking at me through their eyes.

But just looking through their eyes is not enough.  I really do have changes that need to be made.  Changes to my diet and exercise routine, immediate changes to how I put myself together, so as to feel as pretty as possible in the skin I am currently in, changes to my mental state, so I never feel as full of self-loathing as I do today.

And so...

There is nowhere to go but up, and there is no better time to start than right now.  In 26 days I will turn 33, and in this, my 33rd year, I want to shine and glow and share light with the world.  But first, I need to shine my light on me.  I hope you will join me on this journey.  I do not know where this blog will take us, but I know it will be much more fun for me if I do not have to travel alone.  I welcome your support, your inspiration, and your questions.  I am not the only woman or only person out there who feels this way about his or herself--let's walk this path together!