Funny girl

Hello, gorgeous friends!

First of all, thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me!  I am overwhelmed to know how many people are reading the blog, feeling similar feelings, and offering wisdom and support.  I really appreciate all of you, and feel like we are part of a community--one of change, of growth and of self-love.  A special shout out to my sweet husband who also reads the blog and is so supportive of everything I do.

Thursday was a bit of a roller coaster for me.  Coming off of feeling so wretched Wednesday night, I knew I had a long day ahead of me, with lots of public speaking, and work at 2 of my jobs.  At my first job I was training one of our new employees, a beautiful young woman in her mid-twenties.  As she spoke to the class, I was struck by how engaged and entranced the students were by her, not only because of her intelligence and humor, but because of her youth, cool factor, and loveliness  I  realized that since I started in my job nearly 7 years ago, I have worked hard to infuse my teaching with as much humor as possible.  I love being funny, but now I feel more pressure than ever to rope young people in with my hilarity, and I wonder if this is perhaps because subconsciously, I no longer feel that my looks will help keep anyone's attention.  It made me feel sad, thinking maybe I had passed the "sell by" date.
Later that afternoon, I had a meeting with a friend, a woman who I greatly respect and admire for the work she tirelessly does to improve the lives of kids in her community.  We were talking about this and that, and then she told me that I was on her short list of "people that truly have an impact in the lives of others. Not just a fleeting impact, but a life-long touch."  Even though I don't know if the "list" is really that short, to have someone who I so look up to say those words about me was a really big self-confidence boost.  An interesting juxtaposition between feeling past my prime in one situation, and full of limitless potential in another.

More later.  Part of feeling pretty means taking care of oneself, and that means getting sleep.  So I will be turning in.  I have lots of thoughts in my head to share with all of you, so I will publish again tomorrow!

"A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks"--Andy Rooney

Smiling for free!,
Nina

You've got to put yourself together, you got stuck in a moment, and you can't get out of it...

Wow, again, sorry for disappearing off the face of the map.  All the jobs (and life in general) have ramped up in stress, responsibilities and hours to nearly a fever pitch, which has been fun (because I truly love and believe in what I do) but exhausting and a little overwhelming too.  I have pulled some all-nighters, and have definitely been burning the candle at both ends.  This has led to a marked lack of self-care, and it is taking its toll.  I was walking into a building this evening and saw a reflection in the glass door, and a shudder of revulsion passed through me.  I looked again and thought, "Wow, that person looks gross."  And then I felt horrible for thinking that about another person, and then even worse when I realized that the "disgusting person" was me.  I was saddened by the depth of self-loathing I felt.  Its still sad, to type about it now.
I needed to get that experience out of my head and on to the blog, but I am not really in the mood to talk about it more.  I just wish that there was an "easy" button for all of this--the weight loss, the food issues, the body hatred, the burning jealousy to look how others look.  It sure is easy to fall into a hole, and desperately
hard to scrabble your way back out.

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Standing in the sunshine, but hoping to get out of my own way,
Nina