Hello lovelies!
First of all, so sorry, I promise I did not drop off the face of the earth. I got busy, crazy busy, but more than that, I lost my way on the blog. I didn't feel inspired to write, didn't know what kinds of things to post. But then I realized that I was too worried about what other people were thinking about the blog. This is not a big, well-known, branded blog where followers sometimes dictate the content. This is not so little old me, with less than 10 entries under my belt, pouring out my heart as I find my way in the world. So, I am going to write what's in my head today, and what's in my head is exercise. I hate exercise. Always have. I internalized the "I'm not athletic" mantra at a very young age, and haven't shaken it yet. I played volleyball and did synchronized swimming in Junior High and 9th grade (before I discovered theater, and then there was no turning back!) but was petrified of not doing well, and assumed I wouldn't, so I never really gave it my all. Over time I have been addicted to going to the gym, but for dance aerobics and zumba, not to run, or to use fitness equipment (not to say that dance is not exercise, because it totally is--more on dance later). I just feel really self-conscious, and awkward at the gym, and feel uncomfortable and want to leave.
I also will be the first to admit it, I am lazy, and a couch potato. Those of you who know me and my break-neck speed might be surprised to hear me call myself lazy, but when it comes to exercise and movement, it is true. Many of my hobbies are more sedentary--art, reading, watching documentaries on netflix, watching TV. At the end of a long day, I am much more likely to check on my favorite fashion bloggers on my phone or cuddle with the girls and watch a movie, than to do something physical. I want an "easy" button--something that would magically help me lose weight without changing my diet or exercise. However, I also feel like something like that would feel unrewarding, empty and hollow--achieving something without earning it. I don't know how to change this about myself but I wish I did.
And then I have my wonderful husband. Someone who is a natural athlete, whose athleticism (while playing park and rec games such as Steal the Bacon and Spud) that initially drew me to him. He is good at every sport he tries, and likes fitness. He started running about two years ago, has now completed six 5Ks, has two more coming up in the next 3 weeks and is also training for the Twin Cities Marathon in October. He is a very goal driven person--once he sets his mind to something, particularly a fitness goal, nothing will dissuade him. He is currently working to achieve a weight loss goal,that, once reached, will put him at 50 pounds lighter than me. He loves data, and details, and technology, and uses phone apps and logs to keep track of calories in, exercise out, consistent pounds, miles run, etc. I am so incredibly proud of him, and he is so inspirational, and also so, so supportive of me, but it is hard to explain that none of the reasons that motivate and push him work for me. I just wish my brain (as well as the stubbornness I have in ALL other aspects of life) could be like his. It so hard to be bursting with pride and seething with jealousy all at the same time.
I am not a goal-oriented person, I am a heart person. My heart keeps telling me "this is too hard, you have too far to go, you have no hope, you might as well settle into this alien body, because it will never get better." I wish my heart would shut up, or change its message--I am the first person to tell kids that it gets better--why can't I tell my excess weight that?
Lastly, about dance. I LOVE to dance. I love dancing in my chair, rocking out in my car, bopping around the room while I clean. The first Friday of every month I have a standing date with some of my closest girlfriends to go out and "dance our faces off," a date that I will not miss, come hell or high water. When I dance, I forget everything--my stress, my to-do list, my weight, what people might be thinking as they watch me rock out--I just am in the moment, feeling free, with myself and the song. I love dancing so much, that I sometimes consider going to a club by myself, just to dance! I even signed up to do the Rave Run on May 10th, which I probably will suck at, but I signed up because there is a dance party once you run (or stagger in my case) across the finish line. We don't currently have a gym membership, and are trying really hard to save money, so classes like Zumba are out. I wish I had a way to dance everyday, someone to kick my butt into gear. I have great intentions of having a one woman dance party in my basement after the girls go to sleep, but then I start doing dishes, or watching CSI, and it doesn't happen. If any readers out there ever want to go out dancing somewhere during the week (even weeknights!), let me know--I'd dance it up for an hour or two, get some exercise AND some endorphins, hang with a friend, and be in bed by midnight!
I need some motivation to get that canned heat into my heels (Thanks Jamiroquai) on a more regular basis.
“A year from now you will wish you had started today.” -Karen Lamb
Are any of you out there emotional exercisers? Any one have a hard time getting motivated to work out? Please share what has worked for you!
With love,
Nina
