On motivation...On exercise...On dancing

Hello lovelies!

First of all, so sorry, I promise I did not drop off the face of the earth.  I got busy, crazy busy, but more than that, I lost my way on the blog.  I didn't feel inspired to write, didn't know what kinds of things to post.  But then I realized that I was too worried about what other people were thinking about the blog.  This is not a big, well-known, branded blog where followers sometimes dictate the content.  This is not so little old me, with less than 10 entries under my belt, pouring out my heart as I find my way in the world.  So, I am going to write what's in my head today, and what's in my head is exercise.  I hate exercise.  Always have.  I internalized the "I'm not athletic" mantra at a very young age, and haven't shaken it yet.  I played volleyball and did synchronized swimming in Junior High and 9th grade (before I discovered theater, and then there was no turning back!) but was petrified of not doing well, and assumed I wouldn't, so I never really gave it my all.  Over time I have been addicted to going to the gym, but for dance aerobics and zumba, not to run, or to use fitness equipment (not to say that dance is not exercise, because it totally is--more on dance later).  I just feel really self-conscious, and awkward at the gym, and feel uncomfortable and want to leave.
I also will be the first to admit it, I am lazy, and a couch potato.  Those of you who know me and my break-neck speed might be surprised to hear me call myself lazy, but when it comes to exercise and movement, it is true.  Many of my hobbies are more sedentary--art, reading, watching documentaries on netflix, watching TV.  At the end of a long day, I am much more likely to check on my favorite fashion bloggers on my phone or cuddle with the girls and watch a movie, than to do something physical.  I want an "easy" button--something that would magically help me lose weight without changing my diet or exercise.  However, I also feel like something like that would feel unrewarding, empty and hollow--achieving something without earning it.  I don't know how to change this about myself but I wish I did.
And then I have my wonderful husband.  Someone who is a natural athlete, whose athleticism (while playing park and rec games such as Steal the Bacon and Spud) that initially drew me to him.  He is good at every sport he tries, and likes fitness.  He started running about two years ago, has now completed six 5Ks, has two more coming up in the next 3 weeks and is also training for the Twin Cities Marathon in October.  He is a very goal driven person--once he sets his mind to something, particularly a fitness goal, nothing will dissuade him.  He is currently working to achieve a weight loss goal,that, once reached, will put him at 50 pounds lighter than me.  He loves data, and details, and technology, and uses phone apps and logs to keep track of calories in, exercise out, consistent pounds, miles run, etc.  I am so incredibly proud of him, and he is so inspirational, and also so, so supportive of me, but it is hard to explain that none of the reasons that motivate and push him work for me.  I just wish my brain (as well as the stubbornness I have in ALL other aspects of life) could be like his.  It so hard to be bursting with pride and seething with jealousy all at the same time.
I am not a goal-oriented person, I am a heart person.  My heart keeps telling me "this is too hard, you have too far to go, you have no hope, you might as well settle into this alien body, because it will never get better."  I wish my heart would shut up, or change its message--I am the first person to tell kids that it gets better--why can't I tell my excess weight that?
Lastly, about dance.  I LOVE to dance.  I love dancing in my chair, rocking out in my car, bopping around the room while I clean.  The first Friday of every month I have a standing date with some of my closest girlfriends to go out and "dance our faces off," a date that I will not miss, come hell or high water.  When I dance, I forget everything--my stress, my to-do list, my weight, what people might be thinking as they watch me rock out--I just am in the moment, feeling free, with myself and the song.  I love dancing so much, that I sometimes consider going to a club by myself, just to dance!  I even signed up to do the Rave Run on May 10th, which I probably will suck at, but I signed up because there is a dance party once you run (or stagger in my case) across the finish line.  We don't currently have a gym membership, and are trying really hard to save money, so classes like Zumba are out.  I wish I had a way to dance everyday, someone to kick my butt into gear. I have great intentions of having a one woman dance party in my basement after the girls go to sleep, but then I start doing dishes, or watching CSI, and it doesn't happen.  If any readers out there ever want to go out dancing somewhere during the week (even weeknights!), let me know--I'd dance it up for an hour or two, get some exercise AND some endorphins, hang with a friend, and be in bed by midnight!
I need some motivation to get that canned heat into my heels (Thanks Jamiroquai) on a more regular basis.

“A year from now you will wish you had started today.” -Karen Lamb

Are any of you out there emotional exercisers?  Any one have a hard time getting motivated to work out?  Please share what has worked for you!

With love,
Nina

Funny girl

Hello, gorgeous friends!

First of all, thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me!  I am overwhelmed to know how many people are reading the blog, feeling similar feelings, and offering wisdom and support.  I really appreciate all of you, and feel like we are part of a community--one of change, of growth and of self-love.  A special shout out to my sweet husband who also reads the blog and is so supportive of everything I do.

Thursday was a bit of a roller coaster for me.  Coming off of feeling so wretched Wednesday night, I knew I had a long day ahead of me, with lots of public speaking, and work at 2 of my jobs.  At my first job I was training one of our new employees, a beautiful young woman in her mid-twenties.  As she spoke to the class, I was struck by how engaged and entranced the students were by her, not only because of her intelligence and humor, but because of her youth, cool factor, and loveliness  I  realized that since I started in my job nearly 7 years ago, I have worked hard to infuse my teaching with as much humor as possible.  I love being funny, but now I feel more pressure than ever to rope young people in with my hilarity, and I wonder if this is perhaps because subconsciously, I no longer feel that my looks will help keep anyone's attention.  It made me feel sad, thinking maybe I had passed the "sell by" date.
Later that afternoon, I had a meeting with a friend, a woman who I greatly respect and admire for the work she tirelessly does to improve the lives of kids in her community.  We were talking about this and that, and then she told me that I was on her short list of "people that truly have an impact in the lives of others. Not just a fleeting impact, but a life-long touch."  Even though I don't know if the "list" is really that short, to have someone who I so look up to say those words about me was a really big self-confidence boost.  An interesting juxtaposition between feeling past my prime in one situation, and full of limitless potential in another.

More later.  Part of feeling pretty means taking care of oneself, and that means getting sleep.  So I will be turning in.  I have lots of thoughts in my head to share with all of you, so I will publish again tomorrow!

"A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks"--Andy Rooney

Smiling for free!,
Nina

You've got to put yourself together, you got stuck in a moment, and you can't get out of it...

Wow, again, sorry for disappearing off the face of the map.  All the jobs (and life in general) have ramped up in stress, responsibilities and hours to nearly a fever pitch, which has been fun (because I truly love and believe in what I do) but exhausting and a little overwhelming too.  I have pulled some all-nighters, and have definitely been burning the candle at both ends.  This has led to a marked lack of self-care, and it is taking its toll.  I was walking into a building this evening and saw a reflection in the glass door, and a shudder of revulsion passed through me.  I looked again and thought, "Wow, that person looks gross."  And then I felt horrible for thinking that about another person, and then even worse when I realized that the "disgusting person" was me.  I was saddened by the depth of self-loathing I felt.  Its still sad, to type about it now.
I needed to get that experience out of my head and on to the blog, but I am not really in the mood to talk about it more.  I just wish that there was an "easy" button for all of this--the weight loss, the food issues, the body hatred, the burning jealousy to look how others look.  It sure is easy to fall into a hole, and desperately
hard to scrabble your way back out.

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Standing in the sunshine, but hoping to get out of my own way,
Nina

Checking in!

Hi all!

Just wanted to let you know that...

• I've been religious with using my SAD light the last 2 days and it really has helped!  I feel more energized for sure, which is a welcome change.
• I signed up for a health and fitness app called Noom.  I really like it, but I am not good at being honest with it.  I want to tell it I only eat kale, when in reality today was a super stressful day and I definitely ate some sugar. : (  If I can't even be honest with a computer program that no one will see but me, I'll never make changes!  I'm going to go "correct" my food diary for the day.
• I like keeping track of my water consumption using pictographs.  I am very visual, and there is something satisfying about coloring in a chunk of a picture every time I drink 8 ounces.  Its like one of my hobbies--crossing things off my to-do list.
• I so, so, SO appreciate the kind words and "likes" from friends on facebook  Having a support network of amazing people is a blessing not to be taken for granted.  I hope I can make you proud on this journey.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a
listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all
of which have the potential to turn a life around.” 
― Leo F. Buscaglia

Hugs,

Nina

Re-investing in this process...re-starting from scratch.

Hello everyone.  So, when I said "I'll be back soon," I apparently meant "I'll be gone for 43 days and people will assume I have given up the blog completely."
But, I did not!  I am back.  And I feel like Sisyphus, back at the bottom of the mountain, getting ready to try and push the boulder back up to the summit.
While I was getting over the flu, I was feeling really great about myself--I was dropping weight left and right, and in my head, I somehow thought that my "flu diet" of consuming about 600 calories a day was sustainable, and I would reach my ideal weight by about spring break.  Well, obviously that was not true, and as soon as I was physically healthy, I got really stressed out about being behind in other areas of life and began to stress eat, and every single pound that dropped off came right back.
In addition, style and clothing are a big passion in my life and a way that I present myself, but lately I feel like clothing is a shroud, not armor.  I used to receive compliments like "You look great in that outfit," but now I get compliments about specific items, never on how they relate to how I look in them.  That may be completely coincidental, but to me it feels like I am not dressing in a way that flatters or enhances.  Maybe the clothes are nice, but not on me.
Since my post about yoga dance, I really have felt like the rage, and anger and hatred stuck inside me is gone away, but I still have a lot of demons who love to whisper in my ear "you would be pretty if you were thin," "you would be happier if you felt pretty," "you'd be a better person if you looked better."  I know that these insidious thoughts are not useful, not helpful, and not true, but I still give them way too much attention.  And some of them are based in fact.  I really do need to lose weight--I am not at a healthy weight and my weight makes me more lethargic, less prone to exercise, etc.  I think I am pretty already; I have great skin, cool colored eyes, a big, bright smile and awesome, thick hair.  However I feel like my features are being obscured by weight, and I miss having them be what people see first, rather than a round face and a rounder midsection.
I will never equate "thin" with "healthy" as some people do, but I know that if I were to change my diet, I would lose some of the weight, making me both "thinner" and "healthier."  I have given up sweets and desserts for Lent (not that I am particularly religious, but 40 days seemed like a good amount of time to cut a raging sugar addiction), and am still caffeine free, but I just eat too much, too often.  I snack 24/7, finish the food from my kids' plates, rely way too much on fast food to get me through my day, and eat at my desk rather than taking a mindful lunch break.  I have never liked exercise (other than dancing) and have always marketed myself as "the happy couch potato."  That was fine 50 pounds ago, but I can't expect to change without figuring out some exercise that works for me.  I don't even want to think about a surgical procedure until I have given 110 percent of my own effort to making a change.  I use my lack of athleticism as an excuse and food as a coping tool, a way to deal with stress, pressure and feelings of inadequacy.  Food, eating, immobility and my relationship with them will be the longest and hardest battle to fight.
Whew, writing this is really hard.  It is very humbling to admit your weaknesses and flaws to the world.  I pride myself on being perfect, invincible, superwoman.  But, there is something refreshing about being honest and saying that I really don't have it all together, not even close.  If you never admit your shortcomings, you never give yourself permission to improve, to actually work towards being the best you possible.  That is where I am now.  Ready to commit again to improving how I feel on the inside so I can improve how I look on the out.

Here are some of the things I am committing to in order to restart on this process.

• A thorough wardrobe purge.  I went through and got rid of anything that doesn't make me feel fabulous, beautiful and confident when I wear it.  I have two gigantic bags of clothes to get rid of, and it made me feel great.
• Drinking 72 ounces of water a day.  Someone I know uses masking tape and makes a cool pictograph (a flower, a pyramid) and colors in one section of the picture for each 8 oz glass they drink.  A really great idea that I am going to copy.
• Cut down on fast food consumption to 2 meals per week.  That probably sounds horribly high for some people, but my habit is much worse.  I figure I will start by cutting down and work toward elimination.
• Spend 2 hours per week in some kind of physical activity.  Walking during work, dancing at my house, anything other than spending hours mindlessly staring at the TV, which is what I do way too often.
• Use my Seasonal Affective Disorder therapy light EVERY DAY, sunshine or no.  I think that keeping my vitamin D levels and serotonin levels high will help keep an "I CAN do it" attitude.

I can and will do more, but these four alone is a really good start.  I will keep you abreast of the progress, as well as how I feel about my progress as we move forward.

Lastly, I think in the interest of full-disclosure, I am going to let everyone know where we are starting from.  I am 33 years old, 5'11", and weigh 220 pounds.  That puts my BMI at 30.7, in the obese category, where I no longer want to be.  This is the first day of the rest of my life.  I never have to be this way again, and I do not want to be either. 

Thanks for your continued support, in all the ways you are supportive of me, and I am excited to share with you how this journey progresses.

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better. It's not.” 
― Dr. Seuss, The Lorax

Love,

Nina

Hi friends, sorry for being completely and totally MIA.  What I thought was the flu last week was actually just a horrible, HORRIBLE detox from caffeine.  THIS is the flu, and it sucks, and I have it in spades.  Right now I am not pursuing prettiness, just pursuing health.  I'll be back soon though!

Letting go can change your life.

On Sunday I had an experience that seems to have the potential to be life changing.  What was this experience?  I attended a dance class.  More specifically, a Yoga Dance class taught by two very dear friends of mine.  The class is not about specific movements, but instead guides you through feelings.  For people who know me well, they know that I shy away from anything I deem too "tree hugger, raw kale, birkenstock crunchy" (though I don't really know why.  I guess I am very black and white, and anything that seems "unlike" me, I often judge as "bad."  Wow, that is a whole different blog post though).  Anyway, I think I was really open for this particular experience at the time that it happened, because it brought up emotions that I didn't even know I had.  Right from the very beginning meditation, when our instructor said "release the past year," I dropped a few tears.  Later on, in one of our dances, we symbolically built a fire, and in it threw all the things we wanted to let go of.  Then we became the flames and danced higher and higher and let all of the horrible things burn away--fear, sadness, self loathing, pain, and for me--anger.
This entire year can be summed up for me in a single emotion--rage.  This is an emotion I am not used to feeling.  I am usually very happy and upbeat, to the edge of being manic, and I have the capability for great depths of feeling, but in my life I have rarely felt anger, until this past year.  I have been angry at everything--myself, my job, my children, my parents, my pets, my spouse, my coworkers, my friends, traffic, gas pumps,store dressing rooms, our Tupperware cabinet, and Netflix, but to name a few.  : )   I feel like I have spent the past 365 days as a kettle of boiling oil, trying desperately hard to keep my lid on, but occasionally (more often then I'd like), boiling over and sending scalding hot grease onto unsuspecting bystanders.  This anger has had no particular target; it seems that everyone is fair game.  I feel constantly short-tempered with people, usually holding back from snapping at everyone who talks to me.  I have no patience for my spouse or children, though they have been very gracious and have had much more patience with me.  I feel like a good title for this year would be "Seconds Away from Screaming: The Nina Jonson Story."
So basically, this unchecked, seething fiery anger has hurt me. It has made me say and do things that could have potentially hurt my professional goals and aspirations, it has caused me to pack on 40 pounds of fury and disgust, it has robbed me of my ability to sleep, and it has made me think that anger is going to forevermore be my modus operandi; my only way of life.  Getting to symbolically pick up this weight and toss it into a fire to be burned out of existence had a really powerful effect on me, and I sobbed my way through the dance.  At the end, I felt wrung dry and lethargic, as if I had gone through battle, yet I also felt lightweight and victorious, like I had begun to cast off a poison chain, and could now stand and breathe more freely.
I feel that getting rid of this useless fury will be nothing but beneficial in the coming year.  I hope that as I continue to hack away at anger's insidious tendrils, I will become more beautiful on the inside, which will hopefully radiate out to others.
During our class, we did a visualization exercise about the goddess Kali, and the 5 aspects of her personality:
Kali represents...
Beauty - passionate protector of life
The Dancer - bestower of creation and restorer of equanimity
Wisdom - dispassion that cuts through ignorance
Shakti - primordial energy of creation
Rebirth - cosmic memory of all that exists

I really felt a connection to Kali during our class.  I feel that these are aspects I want to nuture in my own life in the coming year.  I want this to be a blog about personal growth in my appearance, but I feel that the work that is being done in my mind and heart are going to be equally interesting and beneficial!

My intention now is to face anger head on and lessen its grip on me, and to allow more light and happiness to enter my life, via whatever avenues it takes!  I left Yoga Dance feeling like a new person, like I had left an ugly, ugly part of me in the room and that I no longer had any use for it.  Truly, I felt like my life was changed in 2 hours.  Here's to living with intention, and spreading joy!

(Lovely image of Kali via Wikipedia)

What has been the most life-changing, or life redirecting thing that has ever happened in your life?  When the opportunity to travel this different path presented itself, did you take it?  I'd love to hear from you!