Letting go can change your life.

On Sunday I had an experience that seems to have the potential to be life changing.  What was this experience?  I attended a dance class.  More specifically, a Yoga Dance class taught by two very dear friends of mine.  The class is not about specific movements, but instead guides you through feelings.  For people who know me well, they know that I shy away from anything I deem too "tree hugger, raw kale, birkenstock crunchy" (though I don't really know why.  I guess I am very black and white, and anything that seems "unlike" me, I often judge as "bad."  Wow, that is a whole different blog post though).  Anyway, I think I was really open for this particular experience at the time that it happened, because it brought up emotions that I didn't even know I had.  Right from the very beginning meditation, when our instructor said "release the past year," I dropped a few tears.  Later on, in one of our dances, we symbolically built a fire, and in it threw all the things we wanted to let go of.  Then we became the flames and danced higher and higher and let all of the horrible things burn away--fear, sadness, self loathing, pain, and for me--anger.
This entire year can be summed up for me in a single emotion--rage.  This is an emotion I am not used to feeling.  I am usually very happy and upbeat, to the edge of being manic, and I have the capability for great depths of feeling, but in my life I have rarely felt anger, until this past year.  I have been angry at everything--myself, my job, my children, my parents, my pets, my spouse, my coworkers, my friends, traffic, gas pumps,store dressing rooms, our Tupperware cabinet, and Netflix, but to name a few.  : )   I feel like I have spent the past 365 days as a kettle of boiling oil, trying desperately hard to keep my lid on, but occasionally (more often then I'd like), boiling over and sending scalding hot grease onto unsuspecting bystanders.  This anger has had no particular target; it seems that everyone is fair game.  I feel constantly short-tempered with people, usually holding back from snapping at everyone who talks to me.  I have no patience for my spouse or children, though they have been very gracious and have had much more patience with me.  I feel like a good title for this year would be "Seconds Away from Screaming: The Nina Jonson Story."
So basically, this unchecked, seething fiery anger has hurt me. It has made me say and do things that could have potentially hurt my professional goals and aspirations, it has caused me to pack on 40 pounds of fury and disgust, it has robbed me of my ability to sleep, and it has made me think that anger is going to forevermore be my modus operandi; my only way of life.  Getting to symbolically pick up this weight and toss it into a fire to be burned out of existence had a really powerful effect on me, and I sobbed my way through the dance.  At the end, I felt wrung dry and lethargic, as if I had gone through battle, yet I also felt lightweight and victorious, like I had begun to cast off a poison chain, and could now stand and breathe more freely.
I feel that getting rid of this useless fury will be nothing but beneficial in the coming year.  I hope that as I continue to hack away at anger's insidious tendrils, I will become more beautiful on the inside, which will hopefully radiate out to others.
During our class, we did a visualization exercise about the goddess Kali, and the 5 aspects of her personality:
Kali represents...
Beauty - passionate protector of life
The Dancer - bestower of creation and restorer of equanimity
Wisdom - dispassion that cuts through ignorance
Shakti - primordial energy of creation
Rebirth - cosmic memory of all that exists

I really felt a connection to Kali during our class.  I feel that these are aspects I want to nuture in my own life in the coming year.  I want this to be a blog about personal growth in my appearance, but I feel that the work that is being done in my mind and heart are going to be equally interesting and beneficial!

My intention now is to face anger head on and lessen its grip on me, and to allow more light and happiness to enter my life, via whatever avenues it takes!  I left Yoga Dance feeling like a new person, like I had left an ugly, ugly part of me in the room and that I no longer had any use for it.  Truly, I felt like my life was changed in 2 hours.  Here's to living with intention, and spreading joy!

(Lovely image of Kali via Wikipedia)

What has been the most life-changing, or life redirecting thing that has ever happened in your life?  When the opportunity to travel this different path presented itself, did you take it?  I'd love to hear from you!