Checking in!

Hi all!

Just wanted to let you know that...

• I've been religious with using my SAD light the last 2 days and it really has helped!  I feel more energized for sure, which is a welcome change.
• I signed up for a health and fitness app called Noom.  I really like it, but I am not good at being honest with it.  I want to tell it I only eat kale, when in reality today was a super stressful day and I definitely ate some sugar. : (  If I can't even be honest with a computer program that no one will see but me, I'll never make changes!  I'm going to go "correct" my food diary for the day.
• I like keeping track of my water consumption using pictographs.  I am very visual, and there is something satisfying about coloring in a chunk of a picture every time I drink 8 ounces.  Its like one of my hobbies--crossing things off my to-do list.
• I so, so, SO appreciate the kind words and "likes" from friends on facebook  Having a support network of amazing people is a blessing not to be taken for granted.  I hope I can make you proud on this journey.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a
listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all
of which have the potential to turn a life around.” 
― Leo F. Buscaglia

Hugs,

Nina

Re-investing in this process...re-starting from scratch.

Hello everyone.  So, when I said "I'll be back soon," I apparently meant "I'll be gone for 43 days and people will assume I have given up the blog completely."
But, I did not!  I am back.  And I feel like Sisyphus, back at the bottom of the mountain, getting ready to try and push the boulder back up to the summit.
While I was getting over the flu, I was feeling really great about myself--I was dropping weight left and right, and in my head, I somehow thought that my "flu diet" of consuming about 600 calories a day was sustainable, and I would reach my ideal weight by about spring break.  Well, obviously that was not true, and as soon as I was physically healthy, I got really stressed out about being behind in other areas of life and began to stress eat, and every single pound that dropped off came right back.
In addition, style and clothing are a big passion in my life and a way that I present myself, but lately I feel like clothing is a shroud, not armor.  I used to receive compliments like "You look great in that outfit," but now I get compliments about specific items, never on how they relate to how I look in them.  That may be completely coincidental, but to me it feels like I am not dressing in a way that flatters or enhances.  Maybe the clothes are nice, but not on me.
Since my post about yoga dance, I really have felt like the rage, and anger and hatred stuck inside me is gone away, but I still have a lot of demons who love to whisper in my ear "you would be pretty if you were thin," "you would be happier if you felt pretty," "you'd be a better person if you looked better."  I know that these insidious thoughts are not useful, not helpful, and not true, but I still give them way too much attention.  And some of them are based in fact.  I really do need to lose weight--I am not at a healthy weight and my weight makes me more lethargic, less prone to exercise, etc.  I think I am pretty already; I have great skin, cool colored eyes, a big, bright smile and awesome, thick hair.  However I feel like my features are being obscured by weight, and I miss having them be what people see first, rather than a round face and a rounder midsection.
I will never equate "thin" with "healthy" as some people do, but I know that if I were to change my diet, I would lose some of the weight, making me both "thinner" and "healthier."  I have given up sweets and desserts for Lent (not that I am particularly religious, but 40 days seemed like a good amount of time to cut a raging sugar addiction), and am still caffeine free, but I just eat too much, too often.  I snack 24/7, finish the food from my kids' plates, rely way too much on fast food to get me through my day, and eat at my desk rather than taking a mindful lunch break.  I have never liked exercise (other than dancing) and have always marketed myself as "the happy couch potato."  That was fine 50 pounds ago, but I can't expect to change without figuring out some exercise that works for me.  I don't even want to think about a surgical procedure until I have given 110 percent of my own effort to making a change.  I use my lack of athleticism as an excuse and food as a coping tool, a way to deal with stress, pressure and feelings of inadequacy.  Food, eating, immobility and my relationship with them will be the longest and hardest battle to fight.
Whew, writing this is really hard.  It is very humbling to admit your weaknesses and flaws to the world.  I pride myself on being perfect, invincible, superwoman.  But, there is something refreshing about being honest and saying that I really don't have it all together, not even close.  If you never admit your shortcomings, you never give yourself permission to improve, to actually work towards being the best you possible.  That is where I am now.  Ready to commit again to improving how I feel on the inside so I can improve how I look on the out.

Here are some of the things I am committing to in order to restart on this process.

• A thorough wardrobe purge.  I went through and got rid of anything that doesn't make me feel fabulous, beautiful and confident when I wear it.  I have two gigantic bags of clothes to get rid of, and it made me feel great.
• Drinking 72 ounces of water a day.  Someone I know uses masking tape and makes a cool pictograph (a flower, a pyramid) and colors in one section of the picture for each 8 oz glass they drink.  A really great idea that I am going to copy.
• Cut down on fast food consumption to 2 meals per week.  That probably sounds horribly high for some people, but my habit is much worse.  I figure I will start by cutting down and work toward elimination.
• Spend 2 hours per week in some kind of physical activity.  Walking during work, dancing at my house, anything other than spending hours mindlessly staring at the TV, which is what I do way too often.
• Use my Seasonal Affective Disorder therapy light EVERY DAY, sunshine or no.  I think that keeping my vitamin D levels and serotonin levels high will help keep an "I CAN do it" attitude.

I can and will do more, but these four alone is a really good start.  I will keep you abreast of the progress, as well as how I feel about my progress as we move forward.

Lastly, I think in the interest of full-disclosure, I am going to let everyone know where we are starting from.  I am 33 years old, 5'11", and weigh 220 pounds.  That puts my BMI at 30.7, in the obese category, where I no longer want to be.  This is the first day of the rest of my life.  I never have to be this way again, and I do not want to be either. 

Thanks for your continued support, in all the ways you are supportive of me, and I am excited to share with you how this journey progresses.

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better. It's not.” 
― Dr. Seuss, The Lorax

Love,

Nina

Hi friends, sorry for being completely and totally MIA.  What I thought was the flu last week was actually just a horrible, HORRIBLE detox from caffeine.  THIS is the flu, and it sucks, and I have it in spades.  Right now I am not pursuing prettiness, just pursuing health.  I'll be back soon though!

Letting go can change your life.

On Sunday I had an experience that seems to have the potential to be life changing.  What was this experience?  I attended a dance class.  More specifically, a Yoga Dance class taught by two very dear friends of mine.  The class is not about specific movements, but instead guides you through feelings.  For people who know me well, they know that I shy away from anything I deem too "tree hugger, raw kale, birkenstock crunchy" (though I don't really know why.  I guess I am very black and white, and anything that seems "unlike" me, I often judge as "bad."  Wow, that is a whole different blog post though).  Anyway, I think I was really open for this particular experience at the time that it happened, because it brought up emotions that I didn't even know I had.  Right from the very beginning meditation, when our instructor said "release the past year," I dropped a few tears.  Later on, in one of our dances, we symbolically built a fire, and in it threw all the things we wanted to let go of.  Then we became the flames and danced higher and higher and let all of the horrible things burn away--fear, sadness, self loathing, pain, and for me--anger.
This entire year can be summed up for me in a single emotion--rage.  This is an emotion I am not used to feeling.  I am usually very happy and upbeat, to the edge of being manic, and I have the capability for great depths of feeling, but in my life I have rarely felt anger, until this past year.  I have been angry at everything--myself, my job, my children, my parents, my pets, my spouse, my coworkers, my friends, traffic, gas pumps,store dressing rooms, our Tupperware cabinet, and Netflix, but to name a few.  : )   I feel like I have spent the past 365 days as a kettle of boiling oil, trying desperately hard to keep my lid on, but occasionally (more often then I'd like), boiling over and sending scalding hot grease onto unsuspecting bystanders.  This anger has had no particular target; it seems that everyone is fair game.  I feel constantly short-tempered with people, usually holding back from snapping at everyone who talks to me.  I have no patience for my spouse or children, though they have been very gracious and have had much more patience with me.  I feel like a good title for this year would be "Seconds Away from Screaming: The Nina Jonson Story."
So basically, this unchecked, seething fiery anger has hurt me. It has made me say and do things that could have potentially hurt my professional goals and aspirations, it has caused me to pack on 40 pounds of fury and disgust, it has robbed me of my ability to sleep, and it has made me think that anger is going to forevermore be my modus operandi; my only way of life.  Getting to symbolically pick up this weight and toss it into a fire to be burned out of existence had a really powerful effect on me, and I sobbed my way through the dance.  At the end, I felt wrung dry and lethargic, as if I had gone through battle, yet I also felt lightweight and victorious, like I had begun to cast off a poison chain, and could now stand and breathe more freely.
I feel that getting rid of this useless fury will be nothing but beneficial in the coming year.  I hope that as I continue to hack away at anger's insidious tendrils, I will become more beautiful on the inside, which will hopefully radiate out to others.
During our class, we did a visualization exercise about the goddess Kali, and the 5 aspects of her personality:
Kali represents...
Beauty - passionate protector of life
The Dancer - bestower of creation and restorer of equanimity
Wisdom - dispassion that cuts through ignorance
Shakti - primordial energy of creation
Rebirth - cosmic memory of all that exists

I really felt a connection to Kali during our class.  I feel that these are aspects I want to nuture in my own life in the coming year.  I want this to be a blog about personal growth in my appearance, but I feel that the work that is being done in my mind and heart are going to be equally interesting and beneficial!

My intention now is to face anger head on and lessen its grip on me, and to allow more light and happiness to enter my life, via whatever avenues it takes!  I left Yoga Dance feeling like a new person, like I had left an ugly, ugly part of me in the room and that I no longer had any use for it.  Truly, I felt like my life was changed in 2 hours.  Here's to living with intention, and spreading joy!

(Lovely image of Kali via Wikipedia)

What has been the most life-changing, or life redirecting thing that has ever happened in your life?  When the opportunity to travel this different path presented itself, did you take it?  I'd love to hear from you!

Feeling brave!

Well, this is kind of a version of one of the things on my 33 things list, but it is even scarier.  I have not braved the 24 hours out in public make-up free yet, but I am willing to do so.  I thought that posting a totally make-up free picture of me on the blog would be good for me too.  I really love wearing make-up, as I think it enhances, brightens, and refines, and I enjoy the creative aspects of putting it on.  Make-up is fun and though I have joked before that I will probably die at 102 years old with a mascara wand clutched in my wizened hand, but it is probably not too far off.  I love make-up, I love how I look and feel when I wear it, and I will not stop any time soon. However, that does not mean that I want to use it as a mask or a shield.  I have many friends who go out every day without a stitch of makeup, and they are radiantly beautiful, and I also have some fellow glamazon friends, who are also beautiful in every way.  Makeup does not make or break beauty, it is just a personal preference.  So, here I am, zits; dark circles, tired eyes and all!  Later I am going out with some girlfriends to spend the evening dancing our faces off and it will be fun to spackle on the sparkle then, but for the time being we are spending the day reading books and cleaning all the germs out of "flu mansion" so no need to be glam right now.
As Audrey Hepburn said, "I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls."  Happiness is like make-up that is always on your face!
Have a happy and pretty (and brave!) day everyone!

33 things in 33 days

I thought I would share my list of 33 things in 33 days with you, and I will come back and edit the post to reflect what I have accomplished so far...
1. 48 hours tech-free
2. Read a book in 24 hours
3. Grow something
4. Intentional, mindful relaxation
5. Finish murals
6. 48 hours without carbs
7. 48 hours without sugar
8. 24 hours without being crabby
9. Give away 33 things
10. Take a walk at night.
11. Pull an all-nighter (but not because I'm up with the littles)
12. Upload 2 videos of me singing to youtube
13. Start my blog
14. Go sledding or skating!
15. No caffeine for 2 days
16. Parallel park somewhere
17. Pay for a strangers lunch or coffee
18. Compliment three strangers
19. Say hello and smile to everyone I see for an entire day
20. Write personal notes to 4 facebook friends that I wish I were closer to
21. Learn to do a cat eye winged liner.
22. Paint art for our home
23. Start my embroidered Christmas tree skirt for Christmas 2013
24. Sing karaoke
25. Organize my closet
26. Sign up for dance classes
27. Wear no makeup for 24 hours (and go out in public!)
28. Lose 5 pounds More like 8 pounds so far!!!!!!!
29. Wear 3 "closet clingers" (things from my closet that hang unworn)
30. Touch my toes while standing up (I can only do it sitting on the ground).
31. Bake something and give it away
32. Sew a skirt
33. Vegetarian for 48 hours.

Nowhere to go but up

It begins...

So here we are, January 1st, 2013, and I am starting a blog.  A blog about being pretty from the inside out, which seems a bit ironic since I am starting this blog at a time when I have never felt less pretty.  I currently feel ugly, old, tired, fat, sad and adrift.  I hate looking in mirrors, no amount of make-up can cover up my dark circles and tired, sallow skin, and if I could carve away at my stomach and remove 60 pounds right now I would do it, regardless of the pain and suffering it might cause.  Thinking about my clothes, all of which look horrible when I put them on, makes me cry.  A few recent purchases are unflattering and designed only to conceal, not highlight.  I want to be invisible.

And yet...

I know I am harder on myself than anyone else on the planet.  I constantly see only the bad, the "should have done better," the "not good enough, never good enough."  But other people don't see that.  They see my boundless, endless love for my daughters, two creatures so radiant, so perfect, so amazing that I feel laid bare and unworthy of their love and adoration.  They see my incredible partnership with my husband, a man who still looks at me and sees the beautiful young woman he fell in love with 11 years ago, the gorgeous bride on her wedding day, the radiant mother of his children.  Friends see me as energetic, spunky, full of life and love.  Coworkers see me as passionate, dedicated, charismatic and talented.  If people can see me this way, they must not be wrong, so I need to start looking at me through their eyes.

But just looking through their eyes is not enough.  I really do have changes that need to be made.  Changes to my diet and exercise routine, immediate changes to how I put myself together, so as to feel as pretty as possible in the skin I am currently in, changes to my mental state, so I never feel as full of self-loathing as I do today.

And so...

There is nowhere to go but up, and there is no better time to start than right now.  In 26 days I will turn 33, and in this, my 33rd year, I want to shine and glow and share light with the world.  But first, I need to shine my light on me.  I hope you will join me on this journey.  I do not know where this blog will take us, but I know it will be much more fun for me if I do not have to travel alone.  I welcome your support, your inspiration, and your questions.  I am not the only woman or only person out there who feels this way about his or herself--let's walk this path together!