Thursday, January 23, 2014
Moody blues
Hi internet friends!
I can guarantee that I could never be a full-time blogger as a career, I post far too sporadically for that!
My husband mentioned this morning that I haven't blogged in a while, so I decided to blog today! I actually can't believe my last post was in October! Time flies.
We are stuck in another bitterly cold day here in Minnesota--schools closed, daycare closed, even my husband's graduate class is cancelled. I will be heading off to waitress tonight, and though I wish I could stay here cozy and warm with my family, and I have a sinus headache that has lasted since Monday, I will be glad to get out and see other people. If I didn't work, I might never leave my house in the winter!
I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder about 7 years ago, but I know I had it for long before that. I actually don't mind snow and cold and Minnesota winters, but I just get really blue this time of year. January, though it is a month that includes the birthdays of many of my favorite people, and February are my least favorite months. They seem endless, there is no Christmas spirit, and it just feels like warm weather will never come. Like many people, I wish humans could just burrow underground and hibernate until spring.
Since we got back from winter break, we have had seemingly never-ending sickness, the coldest winter I can remember, an insanely busy work month, getting rear-ended twice, a death in the family, and most recently, news of the death of an extremely close family friend. I have had to work very hard every single morning to get up, get dressed and go about my day. The only thing that I want to do is curl up on the couch and watch "Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids," before falling exhaustedly back to sleep, without having accomplished anything. It has been very hard. I am working on getting past it, taking vitamins and supplements, using my "Happy Light" regularly, forcing myself to go to the gym (I've got another 5 K in 16 days!), but I just feel listless. I feel like the energy to paint, or craft, or create, or do anything other than consume--TV, celebrity gossip, etc. is lost. It makes me feel sad.
There are people for whom seasonal affective disorder and any other form of depression are all-consuming, and I am not in that place. I am in a place where I can get up, care for my appearance and that of my children and our home, have friendly loving conversations with my family, spouse, coworkers and friends. I can capably do both of my jobs, and I manage my day to day responsibilities. What is miss is the extra energy--the desire to see friends, to go dancing, to go on dates with my husband, to create games for my girls, to create beautiful things for our house. I miss the pep in my step.
Hearing the news of a dear friend's passing just yesterday reminds me to cherish every day we have, and let everyone who we love, know we love them. She had a long, brave battle with cancer, and has always been one of the most loving, outspoken, get 'er done people I have ever met. If you look up the definition of "living out loud," she was it. She made the world a better place.
None of us are ever promised tomorrow, and I want to ensure that I make the most of my days here on earth. With 4 days until my 34th birthday, I want to each day make small changes, small improvements in my life, to get beyond just surviving through this endless winter, into thriving through it. It will be my tribute to this amazing lady, and my tribute to all of the amazing people in my life.
So today, I will snuggle with my daughters, kiss my husband, give amazing service to my customers, and laugh with my coworkers and friends. I will live life to the fullest, because I have a beat in my heart, air in my lungs, and this winter won't get me down.
Love and sunshine,
Nina
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Bucket list for the present
Hi friends!
I'm back! No excuses, I was just gone a while.
So for the past...going on 3 years now, I have been putting myself on hold. There have been things mentally and emotionally that have been holding me back from taking care of me, and living up to my fullest potential. This week some things have happened both professionally and in my life and my friends lives that I finally realized--life is too short to constantly put yourself last. I want live life to the fullest, since we are never promised tomorrow. I currently have 16 months left before my 35th birthday. I am so young and have so many things I want to accomplish, so I decided to create a bucket list for the present. I don't have any of the BIG bucket list things (go to multiple continents, skydive, swim with sharks, etc.)--I have time for those, and I also don't have a room full of money. : ) All of the things on this list should be attainable--with your help!
I have decided to "crowd-source" assistance to achieve my bucket list. It will be a cool way for me to connect with people that I know, but don't get to spend a lot of time with, and will help people share their passions with the world. So, if you are a hairstylist and need a model? I am your girl. Need style help? Let me know! Is your job doing some kind of flash mob? Tell me so I can volunteer. In addition, if you have a bucket list that has items that I could help you achieve, I want to hear about it! I want to go boldly in the direction of my dreams and help you go boldly in the direction of yours!
1. Participate in a historical re-enactment
2. Attend a same-sex wedding in Minnesota
3. Be a model in a hair show
4. Run a marathon (maybe a half marathon) WITH my husband.
5. Do another musical.
6. Write a personal message to every single one of my facebook friends.
7. Post a video of me singing on youtube--and having people watch it! : )
8. Doing personal shopping and/or style consultations for 10 paid clients.
9. Get a tattoo.
10.Read 48 books (that is 3 books/month)
11.Enter an item into one of the competitions at the State Fair.
12.Enter the State Fair Amateur Talent Competition.
13.Actually learn how to use my sewing machine.
14.Reach my ideal weight.
15.Break my addiction to white sugar.
16.Positively change someone's life.
17.Participate in a live action role play.
18.Participate in a flash mob.
19.Do a charity walk or run.
20.Be part of a group World-Record attempt.
21.Bike from my house to Chanhassen Dinner Theater (and back).
22.Pay for someone else's meal.
23.Teach Zinnia to read.
24.Be published (a journal article, a chapter in a book, online, doesn't matter).
25.Go on a road trip.
26.Be a part of a kickstarter campaign.
27.Serve a meal with a group of friends at the Ronald McDonald House inside Children's Hospitals and Clinics of MN, Minneapolis campus
28.Go to a vineyard for a wine tasting.
29.Be part of a progressive dinner.
30.Go to the Soap Factory Haunted House.
31.Attend a black tie event.
Here's to the journey!
Nina
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Invisible
Hello dear friends!
Bet you gave up on ever reading a post on this blog again, didn't you? I have not been inspired to write for most of the summer (which is a good thing, summer has been full, and has been a blast!), but tonight I am feeling the need to write. Something unusual happened to me this evening, and I wanted to process it "on paper." Tonight, I became invisible.
Being invisible is very unusual for me. I am tall. I have a big personality. I take up lots of space. I use lots of hand gestures. I am loud. I wear tall heels. I love bright colors. I relish the spotlight. "A shrinking violet" is not a phrase used to describe me.
Tonight I went out to meet a friend for salsa dancing, something that I love to do. I started salsa dancing in college, and though I have never taken any classes or lessons, it is a form of dance, which means that it is fun for me. In college and in my early 20's, I never had a shortage of people asking me to dance, and I rarely left the dance floor. It has been a few years since I last salsa-ed, but I figured I'd be out on the floor in no time.
Wrong. I did not get asked to dance. Not even once. I sat on the sidelines and watched my friend having a blast dancing with a variety of people, which was a huge pleasure to watch, as she is good dancer, and was having lots of fun. Don't get me wrong--I actually had a fun time, because the dancing was outside, the weather was beautiful, the music was good, and there were a lot of incredibly talented couples there who made it feel like we were at a latin dance competition. It was just strange to want to dance so badly, but not be asked.
I know that I am tall. Diminutive I will never be, and the majority of the women that were dancing were shorter than the majority of the men there. Many men do not feel comfortable dancing with someone taller than them, and I get that, as partnering, turns, etc. can be difficult when the "following" partner is taller. However, there were quite a few tall women that were getting asked to dance too, and I was thinking--"hey, what has she got that I haven't?" but it was pretty easy to see--they were skinny. "Willowy" is the word I would use to describe them, a word that I loathe and love in equal measure--love because it has connotations of beauty that I yearn to embody, loathe because my stature will always lean toward "oak." : ) If you were an average heighted gal, you got to have a wider range of body shape and still have an opportunity to dance, but us 5'11" and beyond ladies? Only thin would fill your dance card.
I know someone who went through a major weight loss and described her experience post weight loss as being seen for the first time. I never really got what she meant, as to me, I feel that it is nearly impossible for me to not be seen--in fact, I demand to be noticed. However, in this situation, I truly got what it feels like. I almost felt like I was somehow dressed like the walls of the building, or was wearing an invisibility cloak. I watched men scan the room for dance partners and scroll right past me, over and over again, like I wasn't even there. I ceased to register to them, on a cellular level, because I am comprised of too many cells.
Now many people were there looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, and I feel very fortunate that I have found mine, and was not there looking for a date. I was just there to enjoy a beautiful Sunday night, have some laughs, and dance a bit. And I did not get to do that.
There is no take-away from this, no magical way to end this post. I don't have an answer, and I did not do the brave thing, which was to march up to someone and say "we are going to dance." The reason why I didn't do it was twofold. First, I was having flashbacks of one terrible junior high dance where my HUGE crush turned me down for a dance (through the grapevine of course, we would never have talked face to face) by saying "I'd never dance with her, she's too fat," and so this time, I just wasn't in the mood to be rejected, but secondly, I shouldn't have HAD to ask someone to dance. I have a really pretty face, a great smile, was dancing in my chair and on the sidelines, and was obviously hoping for a dance. I don't think I could have made it clearer. At an event like that, I deserved a turn on the floor just as much as the pretty girl with two left feet, or the stellar dancer with legs for days.
I don't want this to be a "poor little me" post, because it is not that it at all. I had a fun night with my friend, and plan to go salsa dancing with her again. I just wanted to shake all of the men in the room and tell them to pay attention! I am lucky to have found a partner who loves me for me, who loves me more than I love myself oftentimes, who has thought I was beautiful at every weight, every dress size, every hair color, and every mental state. But not every person is as fortunate. There are ladies out there who are tall, ad curvy, maybe overweight, or short and quiet, or wild and spirited, or whatever it is, but they are looking for companionship, for love, for a dance. And they are being overlooked. They are being rendered invisible, for whatever reason, and the world is missing out. So I hope that all of us can take time this week to make sure we truly "see" the people in our lives, whether it is the barista who makes your coffee perfectly everyday, the cleaning crew who maintains your office, the child begging for your undivided attention, the girl waiting for the dance. Everyone deserves to be seen. And if you haven't seen this yet, check it out. It is pretty powerful and profound. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xPAat-T1uhE&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DxPAat-T1uhE I'll be seeing you. Hugs, Nina
Bet you gave up on ever reading a post on this blog again, didn't you? I have not been inspired to write for most of the summer (which is a good thing, summer has been full, and has been a blast!), but tonight I am feeling the need to write. Something unusual happened to me this evening, and I wanted to process it "on paper." Tonight, I became invisible.
Being invisible is very unusual for me. I am tall. I have a big personality. I take up lots of space. I use lots of hand gestures. I am loud. I wear tall heels. I love bright colors. I relish the spotlight. "A shrinking violet" is not a phrase used to describe me.
Tonight I went out to meet a friend for salsa dancing, something that I love to do. I started salsa dancing in college, and though I have never taken any classes or lessons, it is a form of dance, which means that it is fun for me. In college and in my early 20's, I never had a shortage of people asking me to dance, and I rarely left the dance floor. It has been a few years since I last salsa-ed, but I figured I'd be out on the floor in no time.
Wrong. I did not get asked to dance. Not even once. I sat on the sidelines and watched my friend having a blast dancing with a variety of people, which was a huge pleasure to watch, as she is good dancer, and was having lots of fun. Don't get me wrong--I actually had a fun time, because the dancing was outside, the weather was beautiful, the music was good, and there were a lot of incredibly talented couples there who made it feel like we were at a latin dance competition. It was just strange to want to dance so badly, but not be asked.
I know that I am tall. Diminutive I will never be, and the majority of the women that were dancing were shorter than the majority of the men there. Many men do not feel comfortable dancing with someone taller than them, and I get that, as partnering, turns, etc. can be difficult when the "following" partner is taller. However, there were quite a few tall women that were getting asked to dance too, and I was thinking--"hey, what has she got that I haven't?" but it was pretty easy to see--they were skinny. "Willowy" is the word I would use to describe them, a word that I loathe and love in equal measure--love because it has connotations of beauty that I yearn to embody, loathe because my stature will always lean toward "oak." : ) If you were an average heighted gal, you got to have a wider range of body shape and still have an opportunity to dance, but us 5'11" and beyond ladies? Only thin would fill your dance card.
I know someone who went through a major weight loss and described her experience post weight loss as being seen for the first time. I never really got what she meant, as to me, I feel that it is nearly impossible for me to not be seen--in fact, I demand to be noticed. However, in this situation, I truly got what it feels like. I almost felt like I was somehow dressed like the walls of the building, or was wearing an invisibility cloak. I watched men scan the room for dance partners and scroll right past me, over and over again, like I wasn't even there. I ceased to register to them, on a cellular level, because I am comprised of too many cells.
Now many people were there looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, and I feel very fortunate that I have found mine, and was not there looking for a date. I was just there to enjoy a beautiful Sunday night, have some laughs, and dance a bit. And I did not get to do that.
There is no take-away from this, no magical way to end this post. I don't have an answer, and I did not do the brave thing, which was to march up to someone and say "we are going to dance." The reason why I didn't do it was twofold. First, I was having flashbacks of one terrible junior high dance where my HUGE crush turned me down for a dance (through the grapevine of course, we would never have talked face to face) by saying "I'd never dance with her, she's too fat," and so this time, I just wasn't in the mood to be rejected, but secondly, I shouldn't have HAD to ask someone to dance. I have a really pretty face, a great smile, was dancing in my chair and on the sidelines, and was obviously hoping for a dance. I don't think I could have made it clearer. At an event like that, I deserved a turn on the floor just as much as the pretty girl with two left feet, or the stellar dancer with legs for days.
I don't want this to be a "poor little me" post, because it is not that it at all. I had a fun night with my friend, and plan to go salsa dancing with her again. I just wanted to shake all of the men in the room and tell them to pay attention! I am lucky to have found a partner who loves me for me, who loves me more than I love myself oftentimes, who has thought I was beautiful at every weight, every dress size, every hair color, and every mental state. But not every person is as fortunate. There are ladies out there who are tall, ad curvy, maybe overweight, or short and quiet, or wild and spirited, or whatever it is, but they are looking for companionship, for love, for a dance. And they are being overlooked. They are being rendered invisible, for whatever reason, and the world is missing out. So I hope that all of us can take time this week to make sure we truly "see" the people in our lives, whether it is the barista who makes your coffee perfectly everyday, the cleaning crew who maintains your office, the child begging for your undivided attention, the girl waiting for the dance. Everyone deserves to be seen. And if you haven't seen this yet, check it out. It is pretty powerful and profound. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xPAat-T1uhE&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DxPAat-T1uhE I'll be seeing you. Hugs, Nina
Monday, June 3, 2013
Rock bottom
Hello everyone,
So sorry for my extended absence. A friend recently said "You don't post much, but when you do, it's worth it." Hopefully this one will be worth the wait.
For any person with an addiction, they have to be ready to change, honestly and truly ready, or they will never achieve success. In addition, oftentimes being ready to change is accompanied by the idea of hitting "rock bottom," a person's lowest point as related to their addiction.
I have always had a hyper focused, high strung personality, and have used different techniques over the years to help relieve stress and anxiety. I was a compulsive hair twirler until I actually gave myself a small bald spot. (I have found myself twirling again lately, and always try to reach out and touch the bald spot as a reminder of what this is doing to me). I also tear off my fingernails, regardless of how short they are. I had a 5 year addiction to tanning (and I still miss it every. single. day), and now, my obsession, my love, my death sentence, is food. I am not a foodie, I don't have a particularly refined palate, I just have an insatiable hunger for foods that are not good for me, like Arbys, and cake. I spend money that I could spend on fun things on fast food instead, I have a stash of unhealthy snacks in my desk drawer, and I eat after people go to bed, so I can eat in secret. Food and shame are all tied up in a big ugly black ball almost like quicksand, that I feel keeps trying to pull me down and under.
In addition, over the past two months, three separate (and all very well meaning) people asked me when I was due, and many more have given my midsection the once over. I have an apple body shape, always have, but that means that since weight only piles (and piles, and PILES) on to my midsection, its very easy to be mistaken for pregnant. In all three instances, I found myself pandering and apologizing to these individuals ("oh, no worries, don't feel bad, I'm sorry, not your fault," etc.), and yet later I was filled with righteous indignation. I was taught that asking someone if they are pregnant or when they were due was absolutely a question that was not appropriate to ask EVER unless you saw a head crowning, but apparently not everyone learned the same. Then on Friday we had a group of people over for a party and as I was getting dressed, I realized that I too thought I looked pregnant, and realizing that what people had been saying and thinking was actually TRUE was a stark and painful realization, and got me close, but still not enough.
What finally kicked it into gear, was checking into Noom, a food and exercise log app that I use. After a big day of walking all over on Saturday morning as we hit up our neighborhood garage sales, I was happy to see that I had met my step goal for the day, and not only met it, but blown it out of the water--and then I saw what my step goal was. You see, Noom constantly adjusts and readjusts the fitness goals it creates for you based on what you are regularly doing, and Noom had adjusted my step goal alright--all the way down to 650 steps. A healthy person should be walking 10,000 steps (or 5 miles per day), but Noom had determined that I was so sedentary that my only goal would be to walking 650 steps per day, or less than one-half mile. (Now Noom only tracks your steps as you are walking around while carrying your phone on your body, but still).
I was so ashamed--650 steps? My goal, the thing I was reaching toward, was only to walk a half a mile. There are people in wheelchairs, or with prosthetic legs, or who are elderly, or infirm, who walk more than that each day. Why on earth was I wasting my life (and expanding my waist) by sitting around? It was humiliating to say the least.
Changes are being made--I been taking local Zumba classes that I love, I am rejoining a gym, and am strongly considering Weight Watchers, after I have seen the truly incredible difference it has made in a close friend's life over the last year and a half. I wish I could say I have some great, noble motivation for making changes, like being healthier and living longer, but right now I am not there yet--I am just tired of having everything below my face look ugly, and flabby, and pregnant. I am in no way fat-shaming anyone, and I know there are people out there who might be angry at how I am talking about myself, but I have a right to my experiences, my emotions and my own body image, and right now, its in an incredibly low, dark place, where there is no where to go but up.
So friends, enough sedentary activity, I'm logging off to walk my dog and get some steps. In addition, I'll be heading out dancing this Friday night with some girl friends, and am always up for a walk. Once I know what gym I'm joining, I'll share it here, and perhaps can meet up with some of you who attend the same gym for a workout! Let's all feel better, together!
I'd like to know--what are your motivations for getting healthy? And, what song gets you in the mood to move?
Hugs and health,
Nina
So sorry for my extended absence. A friend recently said "You don't post much, but when you do, it's worth it." Hopefully this one will be worth the wait.
For any person with an addiction, they have to be ready to change, honestly and truly ready, or they will never achieve success. In addition, oftentimes being ready to change is accompanied by the idea of hitting "rock bottom," a person's lowest point as related to their addiction.
I have always had a hyper focused, high strung personality, and have used different techniques over the years to help relieve stress and anxiety. I was a compulsive hair twirler until I actually gave myself a small bald spot. (I have found myself twirling again lately, and always try to reach out and touch the bald spot as a reminder of what this is doing to me). I also tear off my fingernails, regardless of how short they are. I had a 5 year addiction to tanning (and I still miss it every. single. day), and now, my obsession, my love, my death sentence, is food. I am not a foodie, I don't have a particularly refined palate, I just have an insatiable hunger for foods that are not good for me, like Arbys, and cake. I spend money that I could spend on fun things on fast food instead, I have a stash of unhealthy snacks in my desk drawer, and I eat after people go to bed, so I can eat in secret. Food and shame are all tied up in a big ugly black ball almost like quicksand, that I feel keeps trying to pull me down and under.
In addition, over the past two months, three separate (and all very well meaning) people asked me when I was due, and many more have given my midsection the once over. I have an apple body shape, always have, but that means that since weight only piles (and piles, and PILES) on to my midsection, its very easy to be mistaken for pregnant. In all three instances, I found myself pandering and apologizing to these individuals ("oh, no worries, don't feel bad, I'm sorry, not your fault," etc.), and yet later I was filled with righteous indignation. I was taught that asking someone if they are pregnant or when they were due was absolutely a question that was not appropriate to ask EVER unless you saw a head crowning, but apparently not everyone learned the same. Then on Friday we had a group of people over for a party and as I was getting dressed, I realized that I too thought I looked pregnant, and realizing that what people had been saying and thinking was actually TRUE was a stark and painful realization, and got me close, but still not enough.
What finally kicked it into gear, was checking into Noom, a food and exercise log app that I use. After a big day of walking all over on Saturday morning as we hit up our neighborhood garage sales, I was happy to see that I had met my step goal for the day, and not only met it, but blown it out of the water--and then I saw what my step goal was. You see, Noom constantly adjusts and readjusts the fitness goals it creates for you based on what you are regularly doing, and Noom had adjusted my step goal alright--all the way down to 650 steps. A healthy person should be walking 10,000 steps (or 5 miles per day), but Noom had determined that I was so sedentary that my only goal would be to walking 650 steps per day, or less than one-half mile. (Now Noom only tracks your steps as you are walking around while carrying your phone on your body, but still).
I was so ashamed--650 steps? My goal, the thing I was reaching toward, was only to walk a half a mile. There are people in wheelchairs, or with prosthetic legs, or who are elderly, or infirm, who walk more than that each day. Why on earth was I wasting my life (and expanding my waist) by sitting around? It was humiliating to say the least.
Changes are being made--I been taking local Zumba classes that I love, I am rejoining a gym, and am strongly considering Weight Watchers, after I have seen the truly incredible difference it has made in a close friend's life over the last year and a half. I wish I could say I have some great, noble motivation for making changes, like being healthier and living longer, but right now I am not there yet--I am just tired of having everything below my face look ugly, and flabby, and pregnant. I am in no way fat-shaming anyone, and I know there are people out there who might be angry at how I am talking about myself, but I have a right to my experiences, my emotions and my own body image, and right now, its in an incredibly low, dark place, where there is no where to go but up.
So friends, enough sedentary activity, I'm logging off to walk my dog and get some steps. In addition, I'll be heading out dancing this Friday night with some girl friends, and am always up for a walk. Once I know what gym I'm joining, I'll share it here, and perhaps can meet up with some of you who attend the same gym for a workout! Let's all feel better, together!
I'd like to know--what are your motivations for getting healthy? And, what song gets you in the mood to move?
Hugs and health,
Nina
Friday, April 19, 2013
On motivation...On exercise...On dancing
Hello lovelies!
First of all, so sorry, I promise I did not drop off the face of the earth. I got busy, crazy busy, but more than that, I lost my way on the blog. I didn't feel inspired to write, didn't know what kinds of things to post. But then I realized that I was too worried about what other people were thinking about the blog. This is not a big, well-known, branded blog where followers sometimes dictate the content. This is not so little old me, with less than 10 entries under my belt, pouring out my heart as I find my way in the world. So, I am going to write what's in my head today, and what's in my head is exercise. I hate exercise. Always have. I internalized the "I'm not athletic" mantra at a very young age, and haven't shaken it yet. I played volleyball and did synchronized swimming in Junior High and 9th grade (before I discovered theater, and then there was no turning back!) but was petrified of not doing well, and assumed I wouldn't, so I never really gave it my all. Over time I have been addicted to going to the gym, but for dance aerobics and zumba, not to run, or to use fitness equipment (not to say that dance is not exercise, because it totally is--more on dance later). I just feel really self-conscious, and awkward at the gym, and feel uncomfortable and want to leave.
I also will be the first to admit it, I am lazy, and a couch potato. Those of you who know me and my break-neck speed might be surprised to hear me call myself lazy, but when it comes to exercise and movement, it is true. Many of my hobbies are more sedentary--art, reading, watching documentaries on netflix, watching TV. At the end of a long day, I am much more likely to check on my favorite fashion bloggers on my phone or cuddle with the girls and watch a movie, than to do something physical. I want an "easy" button--something that would magically help me lose weight without changing my diet or exercise. However, I also feel like something like that would feel unrewarding, empty and hollow--achieving something without earning it. I don't know how to change this about myself but I wish I did.
And then I have my wonderful husband. Someone who is a natural athlete, whose athleticism (while playing park and rec games such as Steal the Bacon and Spud) that initially drew me to him. He is good at every sport he tries, and likes fitness. He started running about two years ago, has now completed six 5Ks, has two more coming up in the next 3 weeks and is also training for the Twin Cities Marathon in October. He is a very goal driven person--once he sets his mind to something, particularly a fitness goal, nothing will dissuade him. He is currently working to achieve a weight loss goal,that, once reached, will put him at 50 pounds lighter than me. He loves data, and details, and technology, and uses phone apps and logs to keep track of calories in, exercise out, consistent pounds, miles run, etc. I am so incredibly proud of him, and he is so inspirational, and also so, so supportive of me, but it is hard to explain that none of the reasons that motivate and push him work for me. I just wish my brain (as well as the stubbornness I have in ALL other aspects of life) could be like his. It so hard to be bursting with pride and seething with jealousy all at the same time.
I am not a goal-oriented person, I am a heart person. My heart keeps telling me "this is too hard, you have too far to go, you have no hope, you might as well settle into this alien body, because it will never get better." I wish my heart would shut up, or change its message--I am the first person to tell kids that it gets better--why can't I tell my excess weight that?
Lastly, about dance. I LOVE to dance. I love dancing in my chair, rocking out in my car, bopping around the room while I clean. The first Friday of every month I have a standing date with some of my closest girlfriends to go out and "dance our faces off," a date that I will not miss, come hell or high water. When I dance, I forget everything--my stress, my to-do list, my weight, what people might be thinking as they watch me rock out--I just am in the moment, feeling free, with myself and the song. I love dancing so much, that I sometimes consider going to a club by myself, just to dance! I even signed up to do the Rave Run on May 10th, which I probably will suck at, but I signed up because there is a dance party once you run (or stagger in my case) across the finish line. We don't currently have a gym membership, and are trying really hard to save money, so classes like Zumba are out. I wish I had a way to dance everyday, someone to kick my butt into gear. I have great intentions of having a one woman dance party in my basement after the girls go to sleep, but then I start doing dishes, or watching CSI, and it doesn't happen. If any readers out there ever want to go out dancing somewhere during the week (even weeknights!), let me know--I'd dance it up for an hour or two, get some exercise AND some endorphins, hang with a friend, and be in bed by midnight!
I need some motivation to get that canned heat into my heels (Thanks Jamiroquai) on a more regular basis.
“A year from now you will wish you had started today.” -Karen Lamb
Are any of you out there emotional exercisers? Any one have a hard time getting motivated to work out? Please share what has worked for you!
With love,
Nina
First of all, so sorry, I promise I did not drop off the face of the earth. I got busy, crazy busy, but more than that, I lost my way on the blog. I didn't feel inspired to write, didn't know what kinds of things to post. But then I realized that I was too worried about what other people were thinking about the blog. This is not a big, well-known, branded blog where followers sometimes dictate the content. This is not so little old me, with less than 10 entries under my belt, pouring out my heart as I find my way in the world. So, I am going to write what's in my head today, and what's in my head is exercise. I hate exercise. Always have. I internalized the "I'm not athletic" mantra at a very young age, and haven't shaken it yet. I played volleyball and did synchronized swimming in Junior High and 9th grade (before I discovered theater, and then there was no turning back!) but was petrified of not doing well, and assumed I wouldn't, so I never really gave it my all. Over time I have been addicted to going to the gym, but for dance aerobics and zumba, not to run, or to use fitness equipment (not to say that dance is not exercise, because it totally is--more on dance later). I just feel really self-conscious, and awkward at the gym, and feel uncomfortable and want to leave.
I also will be the first to admit it, I am lazy, and a couch potato. Those of you who know me and my break-neck speed might be surprised to hear me call myself lazy, but when it comes to exercise and movement, it is true. Many of my hobbies are more sedentary--art, reading, watching documentaries on netflix, watching TV. At the end of a long day, I am much more likely to check on my favorite fashion bloggers on my phone or cuddle with the girls and watch a movie, than to do something physical. I want an "easy" button--something that would magically help me lose weight without changing my diet or exercise. However, I also feel like something like that would feel unrewarding, empty and hollow--achieving something without earning it. I don't know how to change this about myself but I wish I did.
And then I have my wonderful husband. Someone who is a natural athlete, whose athleticism (while playing park and rec games such as Steal the Bacon and Spud) that initially drew me to him. He is good at every sport he tries, and likes fitness. He started running about two years ago, has now completed six 5Ks, has two more coming up in the next 3 weeks and is also training for the Twin Cities Marathon in October. He is a very goal driven person--once he sets his mind to something, particularly a fitness goal, nothing will dissuade him. He is currently working to achieve a weight loss goal,that, once reached, will put him at 50 pounds lighter than me. He loves data, and details, and technology, and uses phone apps and logs to keep track of calories in, exercise out, consistent pounds, miles run, etc. I am so incredibly proud of him, and he is so inspirational, and also so, so supportive of me, but it is hard to explain that none of the reasons that motivate and push him work for me. I just wish my brain (as well as the stubbornness I have in ALL other aspects of life) could be like his. It so hard to be bursting with pride and seething with jealousy all at the same time.
I am not a goal-oriented person, I am a heart person. My heart keeps telling me "this is too hard, you have too far to go, you have no hope, you might as well settle into this alien body, because it will never get better." I wish my heart would shut up, or change its message--I am the first person to tell kids that it gets better--why can't I tell my excess weight that?
Lastly, about dance. I LOVE to dance. I love dancing in my chair, rocking out in my car, bopping around the room while I clean. The first Friday of every month I have a standing date with some of my closest girlfriends to go out and "dance our faces off," a date that I will not miss, come hell or high water. When I dance, I forget everything--my stress, my to-do list, my weight, what people might be thinking as they watch me rock out--I just am in the moment, feeling free, with myself and the song. I love dancing so much, that I sometimes consider going to a club by myself, just to dance! I even signed up to do the Rave Run on May 10th, which I probably will suck at, but I signed up because there is a dance party once you run (or stagger in my case) across the finish line. We don't currently have a gym membership, and are trying really hard to save money, so classes like Zumba are out. I wish I had a way to dance everyday, someone to kick my butt into gear. I have great intentions of having a one woman dance party in my basement after the girls go to sleep, but then I start doing dishes, or watching CSI, and it doesn't happen. If any readers out there ever want to go out dancing somewhere during the week (even weeknights!), let me know--I'd dance it up for an hour or two, get some exercise AND some endorphins, hang with a friend, and be in bed by midnight!
I need some motivation to get that canned heat into my heels (Thanks Jamiroquai) on a more regular basis.
“A year from now you will wish you had started today.” -Karen Lamb
Are any of you out there emotional exercisers? Any one have a hard time getting motivated to work out? Please share what has worked for you!
With love,
Nina
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Funny girl
Hello, gorgeous friends!
First of all, thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me! I am overwhelmed to know how many people are reading the blog, feeling similar feelings, and offering wisdom and support. I really appreciate all of you, and feel like we are part of a community--one of change, of growth and of self-love. A special shout out to my sweet husband who also reads the blog and is so supportive of everything I do.
Thursday was a bit of a roller coaster for me. Coming off of feeling so wretched Wednesday night, I knew I had a long day ahead of me, with lots of public speaking, and work at 2 of my jobs. At my first job I was training one of our new employees, a beautiful young woman in her mid-twenties. As she spoke to the class, I was struck by how engaged and entranced the students were by her, not only because of her intelligence and humor, but because of her youth, cool factor, and loveliness I realized that since I started in my job nearly 7 years ago, I have worked hard to infuse my teaching with as much humor as possible. I love being funny, but now I feel more pressure than ever to rope young people in with my hilarity, and I wonder if this is perhaps because subconsciously, I no longer feel that my looks will help keep anyone's attention. It made me feel sad, thinking maybe I had passed the "sell by" date.
Later that afternoon, I had a meeting with a friend, a woman who I greatly respect and admire for the work she tirelessly does to improve the lives of kids in her community. We were talking about this and that, and then she told me that I was on her short list of "people that truly have an impact in the lives of others. Not just a fleeting impact, but a life-long touch." Even though I don't know if the "list" is really that short, to have someone who I so look up to say those words about me was a really big self-confidence boost. An interesting juxtaposition between feeling past my prime in one situation, and full of limitless potential in another.
More later. Part of feeling pretty means taking care of oneself, and that means getting sleep. So I will be turning in. I have lots of thoughts in my head to share with all of you, so I will publish again tomorrow!
"A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks"--Andy Rooney
Smiling for free!,
Nina
First of all, thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me! I am overwhelmed to know how many people are reading the blog, feeling similar feelings, and offering wisdom and support. I really appreciate all of you, and feel like we are part of a community--one of change, of growth and of self-love. A special shout out to my sweet husband who also reads the blog and is so supportive of everything I do.
Thursday was a bit of a roller coaster for me. Coming off of feeling so wretched Wednesday night, I knew I had a long day ahead of me, with lots of public speaking, and work at 2 of my jobs. At my first job I was training one of our new employees, a beautiful young woman in her mid-twenties. As she spoke to the class, I was struck by how engaged and entranced the students were by her, not only because of her intelligence and humor, but because of her youth, cool factor, and loveliness I realized that since I started in my job nearly 7 years ago, I have worked hard to infuse my teaching with as much humor as possible. I love being funny, but now I feel more pressure than ever to rope young people in with my hilarity, and I wonder if this is perhaps because subconsciously, I no longer feel that my looks will help keep anyone's attention. It made me feel sad, thinking maybe I had passed the "sell by" date.
Later that afternoon, I had a meeting with a friend, a woman who I greatly respect and admire for the work she tirelessly does to improve the lives of kids in her community. We were talking about this and that, and then she told me that I was on her short list of "people that truly have an impact in the lives of others. Not just a fleeting impact, but a life-long touch." Even though I don't know if the "list" is really that short, to have someone who I so look up to say those words about me was a really big self-confidence boost. An interesting juxtaposition between feeling past my prime in one situation, and full of limitless potential in another.
More later. Part of feeling pretty means taking care of oneself, and that means getting sleep. So I will be turning in. I have lots of thoughts in my head to share with all of you, so I will publish again tomorrow!
"A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks"--Andy Rooney
Smiling for free!,
Nina
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
You've got to put yourself together, you got stuck in a moment, and you can't get out of it...
Wow, again, sorry for disappearing off the face of the map. All the jobs (and life in general) have ramped up in stress, responsibilities and hours to nearly a fever pitch, which has been fun (because I truly love and believe in what I do) but exhausting and a little overwhelming too. I have pulled some all-nighters, and have definitely been burning the candle at both ends. This has led to a marked lack of self-care, and it is taking its toll. I was walking into a building this evening and saw a reflection in the glass door, and a shudder of revulsion passed through me. I looked again and thought, "Wow, that person looks gross." And then I felt horrible for thinking that about another person, and then even worse when I realized that the "disgusting person" was me. I was saddened by the depth of self-loathing I felt. Its still sad, to type about it now.
I needed to get that experience out of my head and on to the blog, but I am not really in the mood to talk about it more. I just wish that there was an "easy" button for all of this--the weight loss, the food issues, the body hatred, the burning jealousy to look how others look. It sure is easy to fall into a hole, and desperately
hard to scrabble your way back out.
"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Standing in the sunshine, but hoping to get out of my own way,
Nina
I needed to get that experience out of my head and on to the blog, but I am not really in the mood to talk about it more. I just wish that there was an "easy" button for all of this--the weight loss, the food issues, the body hatred, the burning jealousy to look how others look. It sure is easy to fall into a hole, and desperately
hard to scrabble your way back out.
"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Standing in the sunshine, but hoping to get out of my own way,
Nina
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)