Happy accident

So a few weeks ago, I cancelled my Spotify premium account. I've been using it to teach Zumba, but in an effort to be more financially responsible, I figured I could let it go and it wouldn't affect my ability to teach too much.
Wrong. Without premium, my playlists only play in random order, which does not work when you are consciously creating an "order" to your class. Yesterday, the session I did with Jasper was using the shuffled list, and it was...not good. But, he told me about Amazon music, which I then got signed up for. I attempted to recreate the playlist from Spotify, but many of my songs were missing, forcing me to create a new playlist of a bunch of new songs.
So, dancing tonight consisted of creating new choreography to teach at class tomorrow. I'm really excited because the choreography is all my own, nothing borrowed from anyone else. I am nervous for tomorrow, but excited because I really, REALLY like my new set!
See you tomorrow!
Nina

Dancing in the basement.

Day 1! Today we are off to a good start. It was a very strange day overall. Lots of very odd things happening to people I know, and I knew when I got home I'd need to dance out how weird the day was.  My sweet husband said "do you want to practice Zumba with me" tonight? So, though I was very nervous, I taught 30 minutes of Zumba with him as my pupil. My playlist went really weird and we danced to songs where I had to make up choreography on the spot, I had pants with a funny waistband on so I had to keep pulling them up, and I was super embarrassed by how out of shape I felt compared to him (in my head, the instructor should not be sweating harder than the students!), but then I remembered, he's on my team. He loves me no matter what, and he's doing this to help me get better at instructing. It was fun to dance with him, I feel much happier and more balanced than I did an hour ago, and we are going to dance again tomorrow!
Feeling lucky in love,
Nina

Let's try this again.

Hello! It's been a loooong time since I last wrote on this blog, but I think I need an outlet, so let's begin again!

2015 was a wild ride. I left a job that I deeply loved with people that I deeply loved, at an organization that had definitely fallen out of love with me. It was a sad parting, but needed to happen. Then I took another job with a wonderful non-profit, and ultimately, we did not end up being the right fit for each other, and parted amicably after I'd been there four months. In late May I took on my current position, which is unlike anything I've ever done before. It's incredibly challenging and stressful, and I am the first to admit that I feel like I'm quite terrible at it still, though my organization seems to have the utmost faith in my abilities to be successful and seems impressed with me so far, so that is a small comfort. In life, I'm willing to be brave and stick my neck out for anyone who I feel is being treated unjustly, but I'm terrified to do things that I'm not good at. I don't have that insouciant confidence that some people seem to innately possess, so I fret over not being good at things immediately. This current job reminds me every day how much I don't know about my new field, and it's a little terrifying. But living in a place of discomfort is different than a place of unhappiness, which is where I found myself work-wise last year, so think this is a good challenge to undertake. In addition, I love my organization, deeply believe in the work we do, I have the opportunity to travel, and to be operating on a Director level, which I am deeply proud of.

Still, it is sometimes paralyzingly stressful, and the change of job still hasn't jump started me into making healthier life decisions.

I actually came to a realization this last year that I don't actually care that much about what I weigh. I feel pretty and confident in a way that I haven't in a long, long time, and that feels good. But, I know that I'm now closer to 40 than I am to a lot of other things, and I want to be a healthy person. My husband has so many qualities that I love and admire, including his determination and willpower, and he has made incredible health and fitness strides in the last 5 years, to the point that I think he's as handsome as he has ever been, and he regularly gets mistaken as our children's older brother, which will never happen to me (especially because I am obviously not male). I don't think I can ever have his discipline, as I love Diet Coke and dislike exercise too much, but I want, as always, to be the best version of me, and I know that achieving that must ultimately include some healthy changes.

Earlier this fall, I achieved a long-time dream--I became a zumba instructor. I was definitely the largest person in the room, and certainly only somewhere in the middle in terms of dance ability, but at the end of the class, one of the instructors said "I've never seen someone work so hard and look so happy at the same time." That felt really good to hear, because it was true--I was so tired, but so happy! It was a joyous day.

Since then, I've been teaching for some kind and indulgent friends at our church. I know I'm still a terrible instructor, but they keep coming, and I deeply love them for it (Rossi, Heidi and Hilary, you are the highlight of my Wednesday nights)!

I want to be a better instructor, and I want to have more people attend my classes. Dancing is good for our souls, its good for my mind, and (if you care about this sort of thing) is good for your waistline too! Earlier this year, I challenged myself to do 100 days of dancing, and it made a big difference in how I felt about myself. I ultimately didn't finish it, because I never kept my self accountable to anyone. I'm hoping to do it again, and check in via blog each day, to let you know how it's going.

Here are the perameters:
* 100 days of dance begins on Monday January 4th and ends Wednesday, April 13th.
* I am committing to dancing for 30 minutes each day for the next 100 days.
* Any kind of dancing, in any location is acceptable.
* I will log into the blog each day and post about the day.
* Comments, encouragement and invites to go dancing are greatly appreciated!

So that's it--I'm hoping this challenge can help me reconnect with myself, improve my dancing ability, be a fun way to groove through a Minnesota winter instead of slogging through it, help me make fun plans with fun people, and maybe even put a little more positivity and happiness into the world!

I hope you'll join me on this journey! If you have any songs that you LOVE to dance to, let me know!

I feel better when I'm dancing,
Nina

Moody blues

Hi internet friends! I can guarantee that I could never be a full-time blogger as a career, I post far too sporadically for that! My husband mentioned this morning that I haven't blogged in a while, so I decided to blog today! I actually can't believe my last post was in October! Time flies. We are stuck in another bitterly cold day here in Minnesota--schools closed, daycare closed, even my husband's graduate class is cancelled. I will be heading off to waitress tonight, and though I wish I could stay here cozy and warm with my family, and I have a sinus headache that has lasted since Monday, I will be glad to get out and see other people. If I didn't work, I might never leave my house in the winter! I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder about 7 years ago, but I know I had it for long before that. I actually don't mind snow and cold and Minnesota winters, but I just get really blue this time of year. January, though it is a month that includes the birthdays of many of my favorite people, and February are my least favorite months. They seem endless, there is no Christmas spirit, and it just feels like warm weather will never come. Like many people, I wish humans could just burrow underground and hibernate until spring. Since we got back from winter break, we have had seemingly never-ending sickness, the coldest winter I can remember, an insanely busy work month, getting rear-ended twice, a death in the family, and most recently, news of the death of an extremely close family friend. I have had to work very hard every single morning to get up, get dressed and go about my day. The only thing that I want to do is curl up on the couch and watch "Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids," before falling exhaustedly back to sleep, without having accomplished anything. It has been very hard. I am working on getting past it, taking vitamins and supplements, using my "Happy Light" regularly, forcing myself to go to the gym (I've got another 5 K in 16 days!), but I just feel listless. I feel like the energy to paint, or craft, or create, or do anything other than consume--TV, celebrity gossip, etc. is lost. It makes me feel sad. There are people for whom seasonal affective disorder and any other form of depression are all-consuming, and I am not in that place. I am in a place where I can get up, care for my appearance and that of my children and our home, have friendly loving conversations with my family, spouse, coworkers and friends. I can capably do both of my jobs, and I manage my day to day responsibilities. What is miss is the extra energy--the desire to see friends, to go dancing, to go on dates with my husband, to create games for my girls, to create beautiful things for our house. I miss the pep in my step. Hearing the news of a dear friend's passing just yesterday reminds me to cherish every day we have, and let everyone who we love, know we love them. She had a long, brave battle with cancer, and has always been one of the most loving, outspoken, get 'er done people I have ever met. If you look up the definition of "living out loud," she was it. She made the world a better place. None of us are ever promised tomorrow, and I want to ensure that I make the most of my days here on earth. With 4 days until my 34th birthday, I want to each day make small changes, small improvements in my life, to get beyond just surviving through this endless winter, into thriving through it. It will be my tribute to this amazing lady, and my tribute to all of the amazing people in my life. So today, I will snuggle with my daughters, kiss my husband, give amazing service to my customers, and laugh with my coworkers and friends. I will live life to the fullest, because I have a beat in my heart, air in my lungs, and this winter won't get me down. Love and sunshine, Nina

Bucket list for the present

Hi friends! I'm back! No excuses, I was just gone a while. So for the past...going on 3 years now, I have been putting myself on hold. There have been things mentally and emotionally that have been holding me back from taking care of me, and living up to my fullest potential. This week some things have happened both professionally and in my life and my friends lives that I finally realized--life is too short to constantly put yourself last. I want live life to the fullest, since we are never promised tomorrow. I currently have 16 months left before my 35th birthday. I am so young and have so many things I want to accomplish, so I decided to create a bucket list for the present. I don't have any of the BIG bucket list things (go to multiple continents, skydive, swim with sharks, etc.)--I have time for those, and I also don't have a room full of money. : ) All of the things on this list should be attainable--with your help! I have decided to "crowd-source" assistance to achieve my bucket list. It will be a cool way for me to connect with people that I know, but don't get to spend a lot of time with, and will help people share their passions with the world. So, if you are a hairstylist and need a model? I am your girl. Need style help? Let me know! Is your job doing some kind of flash mob? Tell me so I can volunteer. In addition, if you have a bucket list that has items that I could help you achieve, I want to hear about it! I want to go boldly in the direction of my dreams and help you go boldly in the direction of yours! 1. Participate in a historical re-enactment 2. Attend a same-sex wedding in Minnesota 3. Be a model in a hair show 4. Run a marathon (maybe a half marathon) WITH my husband. 5. Do another musical. 6. Write a personal message to every single one of my facebook friends. 7. Post a video of me singing on youtube--and having people watch it! : ) 8. Doing personal shopping and/or style consultations for 10 paid clients. 9. Get a tattoo. 10.Read 48 books (that is 3 books/month) 11.Enter an item into one of the competitions at the State Fair. 12.Enter the State Fair Amateur Talent Competition. 13.Actually learn how to use my sewing machine. 14.Reach my ideal weight. 15.Break my addiction to white sugar. 16.Positively change someone's life. 17.Participate in a live action role play. 18.Participate in a flash mob. 19.Do a charity walk or run. 20.Be part of a group World-Record attempt. 21.Bike from my house to Chanhassen Dinner Theater (and back). 22.Pay for someone else's meal. 23.Teach Zinnia to read. 24.Be published (a journal article, a chapter in a book, online, doesn't matter). 25.Go on a road trip. 26.Be a part of a kickstarter campaign. 27.Serve a meal with a group of friends at the Ronald McDonald House inside Children's Hospitals and Clinics of MN, Minneapolis campus 28.Go to a vineyard for a wine tasting. 29.Be part of a progressive dinner. 30.Go to the Soap Factory Haunted House. 31.Attend a black tie event. Here's to the journey! Nina

Invisible

Hello dear friends!

Bet you gave up on ever reading a post on this blog again, didn't you?  I have not been inspired to write for most of the summer (which is a good thing, summer has been full, and has been a blast!), but tonight I am feeling the need to write.  Something unusual happened to me this evening, and I wanted to process it "on paper." Tonight, I became invisible.

Being invisible is very unusual for me.  I am tall.  I have a big personality.  I take up lots of space.  I use lots of hand gestures.  I am loud.  I wear tall heels.  I love bright colors.  I relish the spotlight.  "A shrinking violet" is not a phrase used to describe me.

Tonight I went out to meet a friend for salsa dancing, something that I love to do.  I started salsa dancing in college, and though I have never taken any classes or lessons, it is a form of dance, which means that it is fun for me.  In college and in my early 20's, I never had a shortage of people asking me to dance, and I rarely left the dance floor.  It has been a few years since I last salsa-ed, but I figured I'd be out on the floor in no time.

Wrong.  I did not get asked to dance.  Not even once.  I sat on the sidelines and watched my friend having a blast dancing with a variety of people, which was a huge pleasure to watch, as she is good dancer, and was having lots of fun.  Don't get me wrong--I actually had a fun time, because the dancing was outside, the weather was beautiful, the music was good, and there were a lot of incredibly talented couples there who made it feel like we were at a latin dance competition.  It was just strange to  want to dance so badly, but not be asked.

I know that I am tall.  Diminutive I will never be, and the majority of the women that were dancing were shorter than the majority of the men there.  Many men do not feel comfortable dancing with someone taller than them, and I get that, as partnering, turns, etc. can be difficult when the "following" partner is taller.  However, there were quite a few tall women that were getting asked to dance too, and I was thinking--"hey, what has she got that I haven't?" but it was pretty easy to see--they were skinny.  "Willowy" is the word I would use to describe them, a word that I loathe and love in equal measure--love because it has connotations of beauty that I yearn to embody, loathe because my stature will always lean toward "oak." : )  If you were an average heighted gal, you got to have a wider range of body shape and still have an opportunity to dance, but us 5'11" and beyond ladies?  Only thin would fill your dance card.

I know someone who went through a major weight loss and described her experience post weight loss as being seen for the first time.  I never really got what she meant, as to me, I feel that it is nearly impossible for me to not be seen--in fact, I demand to be noticed.  However, in this situation, I truly got what it feels like.  I almost felt like I was somehow dressed like the walls of the building, or was wearing an invisibility cloak.  I watched men scan the room for dance partners and scroll right past me, over and over again, like I wasn't even there.  I ceased to register to them, on a cellular level, because I am comprised of too many cells.

Now many people were there looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, and I feel very fortunate that I have found mine, and was not there looking for a date.  I was just there to enjoy a beautiful Sunday night, have some laughs, and dance a bit.  And I did not get to do that.

There is no take-away from this, no magical way to end this post.  I don't have an answer, and I did not do the brave thing, which was to march up to someone and say "we are going to dance."  The reason why I didn't do it was twofold.  First, I was having flashbacks of one terrible junior high dance where my HUGE crush turned me down for a dance (through the grapevine of course, we would never have talked face to face) by saying "I'd never dance with her, she's too fat," and so this time, I just wasn't in the mood to be rejected, but secondly, I shouldn't have HAD to ask someone to dance.  I have a really pretty face, a great smile, was dancing in my chair and on the sidelines, and was obviously hoping for a dance.  I don't think I could have made it clearer.  At an event like that, I deserved a turn on the floor just as much as the pretty girl with two left feet, or the stellar dancer with legs for days.

I don't want this to be a "poor little me" post, because it is not that it at all.  I had a fun night with my friend, and plan to go salsa dancing with her again.  I just wanted to shake all of the men in the room and tell them to pay attention!  I am lucky to have found a partner who loves me for me, who loves me more than I love myself oftentimes, who has thought I was beautiful at every weight, every dress size, every hair color, and every mental state.  But not every person is as fortunate.  There are ladies out there who are tall, ad curvy, maybe overweight, or short and quiet, or wild and spirited, or whatever it is, but they are looking for companionship, for love, for a dance. And they are being overlooked. They are being rendered invisible, for whatever reason, and the world is missing out. So I hope that all of us can take time this week to make sure we truly "see" the people in our lives, whether it is the barista who makes your coffee perfectly everyday, the cleaning crew who maintains your office, the child begging for your undivided attention, the girl waiting for the dance. Everyone deserves to be seen. And if you haven't seen this yet, check it out. It is pretty powerful and profound. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xPAat-T1uhE&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DxPAat-T1uhE I'll be seeing you. Hugs, Nina

Rock bottom

Hello everyone,

So sorry for my extended absence.  A friend recently said "You don't post much, but when you do, it's worth it."  Hopefully this one will be worth the wait.

For any person with an addiction, they have to be ready to change, honestly and truly ready, or they will never achieve success.  In addition, oftentimes being ready to change is accompanied by the idea of hitting "rock bottom," a person's lowest point as related to their addiction.

I have always had a hyper focused, high strung personality, and have used different techniques over the years to help relieve stress and anxiety.  I was a compulsive hair twirler until I actually gave myself a small bald spot.  (I have found myself twirling again lately, and always try to reach out and touch the bald spot as a reminder of what this is doing to me).  I also tear off my fingernails, regardless of how short they are. I had a 5 year addiction to tanning (and I still miss it every. single. day), and now, my obsession, my love, my death sentence, is food.  I am not a foodie, I don't have a particularly refined palate, I just have an insatiable hunger for foods that are not good for me, like Arbys, and cake.  I spend money that I could spend on fun things on fast food instead, I have a stash of unhealthy snacks in my desk drawer, and I eat after people go to bed, so I can eat in secret.  Food and shame are all tied up in a big ugly black ball almost like quicksand, that I feel keeps trying to pull me down and under.

In addition, over the past two months, three separate (and all very well meaning) people asked me when I was due, and many more have given my midsection the once over.  I have an apple body shape, always have, but that means that since weight only piles (and piles, and PILES) on to my midsection, its very easy to be mistaken for pregnant.  In all three instances, I found myself pandering and apologizing to these individuals ("oh, no worries, don't feel bad, I'm sorry, not your fault," etc.), and yet later I was filled with righteous indignation.  I was taught that asking someone if they are pregnant or when they were due was absolutely a question that was not appropriate to ask EVER unless you saw a head crowning, but apparently not everyone learned the same.  Then on Friday we had a group of people over for a party and as I was getting dressed, I realized that I too thought I looked pregnant, and realizing that what people had been saying and thinking was actually TRUE was a stark and painful realization, and got me close, but still not enough.

What finally kicked it into gear, was checking into Noom, a food and exercise log app that I use. After a big day of walking all over on Saturday morning as we hit up our neighborhood garage sales, I was happy to see that I had met my step goal for the day, and not only met it, but blown it out of the water--and then I saw what my step goal was.  You see, Noom constantly adjusts and readjusts the fitness goals it creates for you based on what you are regularly doing, and Noom had adjusted my step goal alright--all the way down to 650 steps.  A healthy person should be walking 10,000 steps (or 5 miles per day), but Noom had determined that I was so sedentary that my only goal would be to walking 650 steps per day, or less than one-half mile.  (Now Noom only tracks your steps as you are walking around while carrying your phone on your body, but still).

I was so ashamed--650 steps?  My goal, the thing I was reaching toward, was only to walk a half a mile.  There are people in wheelchairs, or with prosthetic legs, or who are elderly, or infirm, who walk more than that each day. Why on earth was I wasting my life (and expanding my waist) by sitting around?  It was humiliating to say the least.

Changes are being made--I been taking local Zumba classes that I love, I am rejoining a gym, and am strongly considering Weight Watchers, after I have seen the truly incredible difference it has made in a close friend's life over the last year and a half.  I wish I could say I have some great, noble motivation for making changes, like being healthier and living longer, but right now I am not there yet--I am just tired of having everything below my face look ugly, and flabby, and pregnant.  I am in no way fat-shaming anyone, and I know there are people out there who might be angry at how I am talking about myself, but I have a right to my experiences, my emotions and my own body image, and right now, its in an incredibly low, dark place, where there is no where to go but up.

So friends, enough sedentary activity, I'm logging off to walk my dog and get some steps. In addition, I'll be heading out dancing this Friday night with some girl friends, and am always up for a walk.  Once I know what gym I'm joining, I'll share it here, and perhaps can meet up with some of you who attend the same gym for a workout!  Let's all feel better, together!

I'd like to know--what are your motivations for getting healthy?  And, what song gets you in the mood to move?

Hugs and health,
Nina